Redeeming Punishment
by Anonlove
Summary: "One week and Cas is starting to believe that the wall is staring back at him." Life in the psych ward with Lucifer as a constant companion, Meg as his nurse, and Dean... well being Dean. Destiel slash for later chapters.
1. The wall was staring back

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters or the Supernatural references.

**Warning:** Tis agnsty and lots of self loathing... will get more slashy later on.

**Summary:** "One week and Cas is starting to believe that the wall is staring back at him." Life in the psych ward with Lucifer as his constant companion, Meg as his nurse, and Dean... well being Dean.

* * *

><p>Cas stared at the wall. It had been a week since Sam and Dean left. A week of Lucifer persistently talking to him. He never said anything back but that didn't deter his older brother. Cas didn't have to eat or sleep and he could pretty much ignore everything, but Lucifer seemed determined to torture him. Which left talking, lots of talking. So, Cas was left to stare at the wall for the past week while his fallen brother talked, yelled, and screamed at him. One week and Cas is starting to believe that the wall is staring back at him.<p>

"They've left you brother. They always seem to leave you behind."

He shouldn't listen. Cas knows that Lucifer is just a hallucination and that he words could not be trusted. That being said it still hurts. The slight truth in the statement hurts worse than every other physical wound he has encounter. That even includes having his body blown up by the very brother who is tormenting him now.

"You know they probably don't even care about you."

Cas bites his bottom lip in order to stop saying something. He wants too though. Father knows how much he wants to deny what Lucifer has said, but speaking to him would only make things worse. It would only spur Lucifer on. If he's honest he doesn't even know if he could deny the claim. Cas has ruined the friendship that he once held so dear. He hurt Sam. He betrayed Dean. He wouldn't blame them if they didn't care for him anymore.

"Oh don't be daft little brother. Do you honestly think that they ever cared for you? Look at the facts they kept you around to have a little Angel ammo on their side."

Snapping his head to the side, Cas finally looked at his own personal Devil. Lucifer still looked like his vessel Nick. The evil bastard was leaning against the wall smiling. Cas glared in response. Do not speak to the Devil. Stop acknowledging him. If Sam could survive months of Lucifer, Cas is sure he could handle him as well. It might take a while to get use to his brother's constant chatter, but this is his punishment. A lifetime with a constant reminder of all of his mistakes, he deserves this. Divine punishment indeed.

Lucifer disappeared only to pop right back beside him. "You never saw it did you Cassie? Oh you naïve little fool. They never called you unless they needed something from you. They didn't even notice you were fighting a war until it inconvenienced them. Now do you really think they cared for you or for what you could do for them?"

It was like Lucifer had stabbed him repeatedly. Every wayward doubt Cas had thought throughout the years with the Winchesters was getting thrown back at him. It hurt. His shoulders slumped and he hid his face in his hands. It was only the first week and he already wanted to die. Well he wanted to die anyway but the little devil over his shoulder wasn't helping. Cas felt so alone. He just wanted to give up.

Lucifer placed his hand on Cas' shoulder and leaned in close. Cas felt lips by his ear as the fallen angel whispered "Don't look so sad little brother you still have me." A wave of sadness washed over him and for the first time in a long time Cas let the tears run down his face.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Ok so this is my first fanfic and i'm not sure how it's going so reviews are nice. Good or bad helps me alot and I love to hear others opinions on what they would like to see happen.


	2. Satan stared at Cas Cas stared back

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own the characters or any show references

**Warning:** Self loathing and sadness and anger

**A/N:** Thank you for reading and for the reviews! I love all my readers!

* * *

><p>There was a time when Castiel didn't even understand what loneliness meant. He always had his brothers and sisters. He came into existence with their chatter in his head and their presence a mere thought away. Even as he was falling and the Winchesters were too busy to call him, he never felt completely alone because he still had faith in his father. Here in this small white room, even when he is surrounded by other patients, nurses, and doctors; Cas has never felt more alone in his life.<p>

He killed so many of his brothers and sisters, even those who were his friends. He doesn't even believe that he has the right to pray anymore. Cas is certain that his Father has completely abandoned him. Not that Cas blames him for doing so; it is only right after the self-proclaimed God incident. Dean and Sam, well after what Cas had put them through, they also left him. Everyone he had held so dear to him is gone. So, Castiel can faithfully say he has fully grasped the idea of being alone.

"Oh come on Cassie! Don't be so melodramatic. It's so boring." Lucifer popped into existence on sitting on top of Cas's bed beside him. Cas rolled his eyes and stared at the ceiling. It has been an entire month since Cas has been in the psych ward and sadly he is starting to get use to Lucifer. The pompous fallen angel alleviated the boredom and loneliness, when he wasn't torturing Cas. This was about .05% of the time he was around. The rest of the time Lucifer seems to thrive at the challenge of driving Castiel insane.

"What can I say little brother; you're a tough nut to crack. I'm a little proud of you, but don't think for one second that I will give up. You will break by my hand. I'm just getting started." It was a threat Cas was not looking forward to seeing it come true. He didn't know when it would happen, but Lucifer had an eternity to figure it out.

Lucifer's face hovered above Cas a few feet away, blocking out the view of the ceiling. Satan stared at Cas. Cas stared back. Satan smiled at Cas. Cas remained stoic. Satan sighed and rolled his eyes. "You know by this time Sam at least talked to me when Dean wasn't around." Cas turned on his side and stared at the wall. A month of one sided conversations with the Devil and Cas has grown a bit immune to what he says. He has yet to reply and hasn't cried since the first week. Still sometimes Lucifer will manage to hit the right button to make Cas flinch.

The door to his opened, Cas and Lucifer looked toward the intrusion. Meg walked in wearing the normal nurse uniform and holding up a notebook. She looked at Castiel and smirked. "Well hello to you buttercup. Still not talking to anyone? Didn't think so, but you know what they say, hope springs eternally. Stupid meat suits obviously they have never been to hell."

Lucifer started to laugh and Cas glanced back towards him. Meg followed his eye at what looked to be nothing. "Ahh you're still seeing my former boss everywhere? Tell Daddy dearest I said hi." Lucifer appeared by Meg and eyed the she demon with appreciation. "I like her Cassie. She has sass." Cas glared at both of them. He doesn't like Meg and if Lucifer liked her it was all the more reason to hate her. "Anyway feathers, I know you've gone all Loony Tunes on me, but I really need you to attempt to replace those screws loose in your brain and think. I need some dirt on your favorite demon boyfriend Crowley. So, since you won't talk to anyone I brought you a gift because I'm such a damn giver." Meg set the notebook down on the table. "If you remember anything about that son of a bitch, you write it down and you won't even have to break your random vow of silence."

Cas looked at the notebook and back up at Meg as she walked out the door. Slowly he lifted himself off the bed and walked over to the table. For a while he just stood there staring at the notebook. He didn't trust Meg. It took most of his self-control not to smite the demon where she stood. The only thing that stopped him was that Dean left her here to watch over him. If Dean trusted her to look after him then Cas should respect that decision. He still trusted Dean's judgment.

"And look where that landed you, brother." Lucifer said right behind him, causing Cas to jump just a little. He whipped around and pegged Satan with a glare that clearly stated, _I want to banish your existence from this world. _"Don't try to deny it. Your pathetic obsession with Dean Winchester has caused you to rebel against your entire lifestyle. Which in turn got you kicked out of heaven, caused a civil war in heaven, thousands of deaths, and you pumping yourself full of souls to save a species that you don't even fully understand, all for a one stupid vessel. Despite all of that you still have trust in that man's judgment."

Cas drew a shaky breath and slammed his hand on to the table. His stomach turned and his lungs constricted. Don't listen, don't listen to Lucifer. It's not worth it. Cas has to stay strong, it's the only way he can somewhat survive. His hand clenched into a fist and began to shake. Dean was the right person to trust. They saved so many and stopped the apocalypse twice. Dean deserved to be trusted. Dean earned his loyalty. "Oh did I press a button? But wait I'm not done yet Cassie listen up. Ever since Dean Winchester came into your life, you have given up everything for him. You did everything for him. You even gave up your sanity for his brother's sake. Still it didn't matter how much you sacrificed because the one time you asked him to back your decision he plotted different ways to kill you. He never trusted you. That is the man you defied your family for." Lucifer quietly said as his hands reached out to touch Cas's back. Cas stopped breathing as Lucifer's hands rested on the spots where his wings would have connect to his back.

Jerking away from the Devil, Cas backed away to the other side of the room. His back bumped into the wall and Cas's knees gave out. He fell to the floor. Cas leaned against the wall, brought up his knees, and covered his ears with his hands. Block Lucifer out. Cas may have thought those things in the past, but he never believed them. Dean didn't make these decisions for him. They were all Cas's choices. It's not Dean's fault. It's his fault. Cas did this to himself. He obviously couldn't be trusted to make good decisions. His judgment was flawed. He was wrong, not Dean.

Cas rested his head against his knees and began to rock just a little. He squeezed his eyes shut and kept his hands pressed against his ears; trying desperately to block out Lucifer's laughter in the background. This was his choice. His choice.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Alright another chapter done and it's a little longer! Not quite sure how I feel about this chapter though. So once again Reviews are lovely insights. How did you guys like Meg? Is Cas to emotional? I like how Luci turned out but let me know if you think other wise.


	3. He wanted to help Dean and himself

**Disclaimer:** I sadly still don't own anything Supernatural related

**Warning:** This chapter is a little different and took me forever to write. Please dont kill me! Oh, Sam and Dean kinda make an appearence.

**A/N:** Yes, this is my first fanfic. I've thought about writing one before, but never went through with it. I'm bound to make some mistakes, so feel free to tell me if you think I have.

* * *

><p>He hasn't touched the notebook. In fact, Cas tries to ignore that it has been in his room for two and a half weeks. He doesn't want to help Meg with anything and he doesn't know what else he could write about. So, he ignores its existence or at least attempts too. However, no matter how many times he pushes it from his mind it always pops back up to haunt him. Some days he'll just have a random flashback to John's journal and other days Lucifer does nothing but talk about it. Cas can't escape it. He doesn't throw it away, because Meg will just come back with a new one. If there was a possibility he could avoid interaction with Meg he would.<p>

"You know you could just write in it. I know shocking revelation, but it is true." Lucifer stated as he leaned against the table by the notebook. Cas just glared at him. It's been two months and he is quite proud that he hasn't talked to Satan yet. In fact, Cas hasn't spoken to anyone in two months. The nurses are nice enough, other patients seem to want to talk, and all the doctors want him to talk, but he has serious doubts that any of them would actually listen. So, it has been nothing but silence for him for two months. Besides talking to anyone would just add more fuel to the hellfire he calls Lucifer.

As it is Cas believes that he has given everybody enough reasons to hate him without Satan's input. Father knows he hates himself enough for everybody else. "Yes, yes we all know about your self-hatred; now on to something new shall we? Such as what are you going to write in that little notebook of yours? You do realize that if you don't write anything Meg and the Doctors will start stepping in." Oh yes, Cas had thought about that. He didn't think medicine would be a good choice, especially with him. The thought of numbing himself was worrisome. If medicines were the only way to shut out the world, then they had to come with a consequence. Cas didn't know what that would be, but he didn't want to find out.

Lucifer started snicker, then he started chuckling, and finally he just busted with laughing. "I forget how insanely naïve you are to the human world. I don't think meds are going to be your problem, but I am just a humble Devil offering advice."

Cas rolled his eyes, never trust Satan. In fact he shouldn't even be paying attention to him. He needs to figure out a solution to his latest problem. What to write about? The doctors want him to write down what his visions are saying and doing. Meg wants Crowley information. Honestly, he didn't want to write about either. Writing about Lucifer makes him feel weak, plus the Devil constantly talks. Cas would never be able to stop writing, which wasn't ideal. Meg's option was also one he was cautious about. As long as Meg was here then Cas could keep an eye on her. She wouldn't be out in the world hurting others and most importantly she was away from the Winchesters.

The door slammed open and Meg sauntered in. She glanced at Cas and went straight to the notebook. Cas watched as she opened it and let it close. She turned to face him. Slowly she brought her hand to her temple and rubbed it. Cas went back to staring at the wall. "Ok sourpuss listen up. I understand that you're fighting Luci in your head right now, but I need you to write or talk about Crowley. So, come on big boy, focus the insanity to help me. You would also be helping Sam and Dean, and I know how much you love helping your bestest friends. Just avoid going Patrick Bateman or Tyler Durden crazy ok." Meg said walking over to him. Cas gave her a look that clearly stated _I don't understand that reference_ and went back to the wall. Lucifer on the other hand started nodding his head and said, "If you do go for one, I prefer Tyler Durden crazy that way you have that realization moment in the end."

Cas huffed and turned the away from Meg and Satan. He didn't want to deal with this right now. Well to be fair he never really wanted to deal with this at all, he was just fed up. "Fine then lover boy if you want to play like that I guess I'll have to play dirty. It's the only way a demon knows how to play and this being nice crap is seriously damaging my rep." Cas heard the demon fumbling with something. He wasn't going to look. He wouldn't give her that satisfaction. Meg sighed and said, "Hello Sammy boy! You see your angel friend and I are having a bit of a problem and I need your help. Just make sure that macho jackass can hear me as well." He stiffened. It was just a trick. The Winchesters haven't made any contact in two months. Cas had somewhat come to grips with the fact that they left.

"Alright Meg we're here. What's wrong with Castiel?" Sam's voice echoed through the room.

"Now boys you've called every week to check up on Wing boy, but what did the doctors actually tell you."

Cas stopped breathing. They had called. They checked in on him. It was such a comfort, a relief. "That he's state hasn't changed much, but they are hopeful and there's no cause for alarm." Sam said rather fast.

"It's true, but did they tell you that he hasn't spoken at all. Not one measly word since you left his ass here. I don't even think he's talking to the Satan vision he has going on. Hell, he won't even write anything down. Not even to help me or you and the doctors they're getting worried. You see boys; he won't even look at other people for more than a few seconds. He just spends his time staring at the wall or ceiling. The Doctors are talking about moving him to an asylum." Meg smiled at him as she told the hunters.

"What the hell, Meg? You're supposed to be looking after him!" Dean's voice shot through the phone. Cas whipped towards Meg. His heart started to race and he gripped the bed. He could hear Dean and Dean seemed to actually care. It was more than he could ask for. It was more than he allowed himself to hope.

Lucifer started to laugh. "You look like a dog that just smelled his owner. Sorry I forgot that's basically what you are; Dean's little pet." Cas ignored Lucifer and kept staring at the phone in Meg's hand.

"Hey if he doesn't want to tell me anything, then I'm just wasting my time here." The demon retorted.

Sam sighed over the phone, "Look, Lucifer is probably doing a number on him even as we speak. It's probably 10x worse than what he put me through, because Cas can't die on him. Just give him a bit more time. He'll come around." At that the blonde smiled fondly, "Aww I have Sammy's vote of confidence. Well, I suppose he does have firsthand experience."

"Besides if you leave now you'll never get anything on Crowley. Cas has… he has important information for the both of us. If you leave him alone now, I guarantee you that you will never know whatever inside knowledge Cas knows. So just shut up and do your job." Dean's growled before apparently hanging up. Meg shrugged and looked at Cas. She then smirked and just pointed at the notebook before walking back out of the room.

Cas couldn't move. He felt as if someone had turned him into a statue. Information. Dean had said that he was to be looked after because of information. The eldest Winchester didn't care about Cas, only the information he had. Every single piece of him that had just been happy to hear his voice, died. He felt as if there was a hole in his chest. It was overwhelming. It ached.

"Don't act so surprised little brother. It's not as if they did something out of the ordinary. The Winchesters have always used you for information and insight. They've never called you unless they needed something from you. So, why should that change just because you've been locked up in the loony bin?" Lucifer exclaimed while patting Cas on the head. It pissed him off. What right did Lucifer have to judge Dean? The Devil had didn't know who Dean really was or the friendship between himself and Dean. Cas punched the bed in frustration. Lucifer had no idea. He didn't understand anything about them. Cas let his hand unclasp and thought about the conversation he just heard. On the other hand maybe Cas didn't know Dean as well as he thought.

A need rose inside of Cas. It had been growing for some time now, but he had always hid it. Now it was too much. It was suffocating and oppressing. Cas had to do something about it. Between Dean only caring about information and Lucifer's taunts, Cas had to have some way to direct his thoughts and emotions. He wanted an outlet. It was getting too heavy for him. For the first time Cas wanted someone to listen to him. He didn't want someone to edit out what they didn't want to hear. After two months of silence Castiel needed to be heard. However, he still wanted to help.

He wanted Dean to know everything he had been holding back for the past four years. All the things he didn't say, in order to protect them, to save them, in honor of them. Cas wanted to share it all. The doubts, the pain, the emotions, the problems, and the consequences, all of the stuff Cas had put up with because of Dean. He just wanted Dean to understand what exactly he went through and is still going through. Somehow Cas also just wanted to be useful to the boys. Knowing that he could still help gave him hope. He should be angry that they use him, but Cas himself wants to be used.

The doctors were right. He needed to write about what's going on with Lucifer or it will drive him mad. It has already driven him to start doubting the bond between himself and Dean. Cas has had enough of people getting between them. So, now he knows how to use the notebook. He would write all the stuff Lucifer says and add in all the information he knows. It made sense, if Cas gave the notebook to the Winchesters, then Dean would get his information and see how the Devil is taunting him with his past fears.

Cas stood up from the bed and walked over to the desk. He wasn't going to ask for forgiveness, he wasn't going to plead to redeem himself. He refuses to do that again. He just wants to help Dean and himself. Even Sam had managed to hunt for a while after the wall came down, so he could find a way to write down what was needed. Cas sat down and opened the notebook to the first page. He felt as Lucifer came to stand beside him, "So, you're going to start a journal about all the bad things I say to you about your past. A little teenage girlish Castiel, but it can be effective. Oh, but this could be fun. Now that you're giving this to them, I need to up my game. I haven't even begun to show you what torture, I can release." Cas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Even if doing this resulted in more pain for him, Dean needed to know these things. Opening his eyes, Cas pressed the pen to the paper and let his hand fly.

* * *

><p>AN: Please don't kill me! I was rewatching some of the episodes and I realized that my character Cas was lacking something highly important. His fight. Even in 7x17 when he realized who he was, he argued with Dean and he did a number on the demon who was electrocuting Sam. I let him have two months of self loathing and pity, but I thought it would be best if he went back to his nature of being a warrior. In my mind that's who Cas is; a warrior who would do anything for Dean. So, i'm starting to give Cas his fight back and believe me Lucifer will try to break him.

Anyways please Review to let me know what you think about Cas, Meg, Lucifer, and of course the Winchesters. (and yes Cas totally misunderstood Dean just so you know)


	4. He didn't want him to leave

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own anything!

**Warning:** All the feels! Oh and there is probably some grammer mistakes. If so, i'm sorry!

**A/N:** I heart my readers! You guys are so awesome! I hope you like this chapter. Oh and thank all of you who review you guys are my saviors.

* * *

><p>Cas let his eyes close for the first time since he started writing in the notebook. It had been one month, but to him it felt like years. The doctors tried to take it away to analyze it. Cas wouldn't let them. He didn't want anybody but Sam and Dean to read what he had wrote down. He had written to look like a journal of Lucifer's antics, however if read carefully, the reader would find all the other information he stored in there. Which is why the doctors couldn't be trusted. It is also why he wouldn't let Meg near it. She was neither amused nor happy with this development. She had tried on numerous occasions to take the notebook, but Cas thought she was a little afraid of what he would do in retaliation. It was justifiable. Cas knew that if she took the notebook, he would smite her.<p>

The doctors and Meg were the least of his worries. Lucifer is on a rampage. Ever since Cas started writing, the Devil seems to think it was a challenge to make him stop. It started out small, with him throwing black cats, or singing some of the songs Dean use to play, however as the weeks progressed the antics became worse. Lucifer started bringing "friends" to their conversations. In the past two weeks, Cas had to face Rachel, Balthazar, and Gabriel. He knew it was all in his mind, but the pain was immense. The things they said, the looks they gave, all of it was horrendous.

Gabriel was the first to show up, Rachel a few days afterwards, and then Balthazar just two days ago. Cas was still in pain from that last visit. He had loved them all. Gabriel had saved the boys, Rachel had helped him against Raphael and Balthazar was his closest friend beside Dean. They all came the same way. He would be working in the notebook and Lucifer would show up with one of them. Always together and the Devil would just sit there and smile. The questions were the hardest part. They all wanted an explanation. Cas couldn't give them one. He would just stare at them as they judged him. He felt frozen in place, unable to do anything but feel the guilt of his actions.

They never stayed long, an hour maybe, an hour of grief, pain, and regret. Lucifer never stayed quiet. The Devil would throw in his input to spur on the others. At the end they would walk over to Cas and put their hand over his heart and disappear. He never really thought it would hurt this much. He never really thought much about pain before this. Cas had killed Rachel and Balthazar with his own hands and basically forced Gabriel into a war he didn't want to be in. Their deaths were on his hands. Lucifer was taking his biggest regrets and literally shoving them in his face. Cas didn't want to face them again. He was ashamed that they died, while he was still alive. Still after all of that Cas would not stop writing. This was for Dean and Sam. He could still help out the only living beings he cared about. So, despite the never ending torture and the fact he couldn't stop his hands from trembling, he wrote on. The notebook was almost half way done. Cas couldn't stop now, not when he was going to make a difference. His pain didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was helping Dean. It was the least he could do.

Cas set down his pen and flexed his hand. Looking at it, he saw the ink stains on his fingers and the slight tremor. If he concentrated it would stop, but it took effort he wasn't willing to put forth. Sighing and putting his head in his hands, Cas rubbed his eyes. He was beginning to get a headache. It wasn't uncommon. He had spent the last 8 hours hunched over scribbling line after line. Slowly, Cas stood up, stretching his cramped muscles. He took in the bare room around him. Lucifer hadn't bothered him for the past 30 minutes. Something was wrong. Well, at least Satan was planning something. Cas could pretty much guarantee that he wouldn't enjoy it.

Being confined into this room with the Devil had taught him a lot of things. Now Cas could say he understood what it was like to miss something. In fact he misses a lot of things now. He misses heaven (the one from when he was younger), he misses the outdoors, his brothers and sisters, he misses his father even more now, and he longs for Sam and Dean. Cas misses things he never gave a thought too in the past. Things like the weird wallpaper in whatever motel the Winchester's were staying at, the confusion and frustration that came in the form of a cellphone, the smell of alcohol and old books that always clung to Bobby's house. He missed his life.

The door to his room swung open and Cas slowly turned towards it. He froze. His stomach filled with cement and his breath caught in his throat. Cas was pretty sure everyone within a mile could hear how loud and fast his heart was beating. All of these things happened, simply because Dean Winchester was walking into his room. Dean in all his rugged, leather glory and unrelenting gaze. Three months and here he was, and Cas seemed to forget how to work his mouth and his face. He had never seen such a beautiful sight. It was like the haze went away and he could finally see clearly again. Dean came to see him! It's more than he ever hoped for.

"What the hell man? We've been asking for months for some information and you start writing about what Lucifer is doing to you? Do you think I give a damn what that winged bastard is saying in your head?" Dean's voice was rough and harsh as he spat the words at him.

Cas flinched and took a step back, but Dean kept going. "Sam went through the same thing because of you. Don't think you're going to get any damn sympathy points from me because you lost your chance for those the moment you started working with Crowley. I can't believe you man. You said you wanted to redeem yourself, to fix this and now you're just sitting hear twiddling your goddamn thumbs, while me and Sammy try to clean up your mess." The angel hung his head. He should have known that Dean would still be mad. Anyone would still be mad.

"What did you think I would forgive you after you fixed Sam? You were damn well obligated to fix him. You still have a lot of other things to make up for as well. Ever since the day you walked into that barn, spouting that 'I'm and angel of the lord' bullshit; you've done nothing but give me trouble." It was true. Everything Dean was saying was all true. Cas had brought so many problems down on his friend's shoulder. "Can't you stop being so damn selfish and actually help me for once? Is that too much to ask? Are you too good to help us lowly humans now? Well, news flash you're a dick. You are no better than the demons you partnered up with."

Cas felt as though someone had punched him in the stomach repeatedly. He wanted to interrupt Dean and explain. He wanted to tell the hunter that he was writing down everything he thought could help them. He was trying to help. Cas wanted to stop Dean just to prove to him that he wasn't acting high and mighty. Honestly he was just trying to be useful. He didn't want Dean to hate him. Cas wanted to say something, anything, but it was as though he had no voice. At the sound of footsteps, Cas jerked his head up. Dean was walking towards him. The hunter's face was filled with hate. Cas backed away until he hit the wall. Dean kept walking until he was a foot away from him. He whimpered expecting to be hit or stabbed. "So, many people have died because of you. How many more have to die until you are willing to help? Or is it that you just don't want to help me? Fuck you. You don't get a choice."

Dean brought up his hand and poked Cas's chest. "I keep you here for your own damn protection and I can just as soon let the Demons and Angels have you. You should show me some respect." The words startled him. They were just like what he had said to Dean four years ago. Did Dean remember? It seemed like a lifetime ago now. Dread filled Cas, is that how he sounded back then? So full of contempt, so distant and inhumane… no wonder why Dean was so suspicious of him.

"If you don't have any information then I'm just wasting my time with you. We're done." Dean turned to leave. Cas started to panic. He couldn't let Dean leave like this. If the hunter walked out now then he would never know about the notebook, about the information, about Cas trying to help. He couldn't walk out like this. Cas didn't want this to end like last time. He didn't want leave Dean angry and disappointed at him. So, Cas did the one thing he could think of to keep the hunter here. He grabbed Dean's arm. He held his human exactly where he first did back in hell. Where the scar of his hand print use to be. Dean turned to look at him. Green met blue and Dean smirked. Cas opened his mouth prepared to say whatever he had to, to make Dean stay, but something happened. Dean's features and even his clothing seemed to slowly melt away. Cas dropped his arm and pressed tighter against the wall. He watched in horror as Dean melted into a new form. Cas's heart dropped as he looked into the new smiling face of Lucifer.

"What's wrong little brother? If you didn't want me to leave you should have just said so. You didn't have to grab on to me so tightly." The Devil exclaimed howling with laughter.

Cas felt the realization sink in. It was never Dean in the first place. It was Lucifer; all of it was that evil bastard. There was a sudden onslaught of emotions pouring over him. He felt stupid, angry, and most of all helpless. He had been so happy, when he thought Dean had come see him. Now all he feels is pain. It's too much; Cas can't deal with all of this. He had dealt with Satan bringing the dead back to haunt him, but this was more than he could bear. Lucifer wore Dean's face. His Dean. All of those things he said, all of those accusations. Cas had never felt a pain quite like this before. It hurt in places he didn't even know could hurt.

There was an intense pressure on his chest. It grew heavier and heavier as Lucifer kept laughing. Cas felt his entire body start to quiver. He knees buckled and he hit the floor. "Oh Cassie you should see the look on your face. Moments like this are why I'm around." Satan sighed happily as he crouched down in front of Cas. Looking at the smiling blonde, Cas felt every good feeling drain from him. He was alone with Lucifer feeling more helpless than he's ever been. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to throw things, but most of all he wanted all of this to go away. He wasn't strong enough for this.

Cas had to know something. It was going to bug him until he got an answer. He licked his lips and looked Lucifer straight in the eye. "W-why?" Oh father, Cas hardly recognized the sound of his own voice. It was still low and rough, but there was something else. He sounded broken. He guessed it matched how he felt. Broken inside and out. On the other hand one word had stopped the Devil's laughter. His older brother looked shocked and then a grin spread across the fallen angel's face.

"He speaks! O speak again, bright angel!" The taunting jest from Lucifer made Cas scowl. It was all just a game to the Devil. A game that Cas was losing. He sucked in a breath and asked the question he knew would hurt him. "Why Dean?"

"Oh come now little brother, you must be joking. No, no you're not you don't understand humor." Cas just glared at the laughing blonde. He silently wished he could strangle the man. He sat there waiting for Lucifer to contain himself. This was getting exceedingly annoying. Lucifer looked at Cas straight in the eye and got serious. "The only thing that has ever affected you is Dean Winchester. You could look at a child dying at your feet and be impassive, but one word from Dean-o and you stop thinking logically and start thinking with your emotions. It's all rather sad really."

If Cas had been thinking rationally, he would have figured that out by himself. As it was, at the moment Cas couldn't think at all. He felt like nothing but a jumble of emotions. So, instead of having an intelligent retort, he said the first thing he thought of, "I hate you." There was no passion about it. It was just a calm statement.

"Oh I know you do Cassie, I know."

The broken angel sighed staring at his trembling hands and said quietly, more to himself than anyone else, "I hate myself."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Ok i'm not going to lie I felt evil when I wrote this chapter. No, really I felt like a dick for doing that to Cas. Things will lighten up eventually, I promise. Oh and no Dean isn't going to be that much of a dick. Dean is always somewhat of a dick, but i don't want him to be down right mean to Cas. So, if you have any comments or concerns please, please review! Even if it's to tell me that i'm a dick, that's fine.


	5. My vote is that they kill you

**Disclaimer:** Sadly don't anything Supernatural related

**Warning: **Not as much emotional turmoil but still some lol

**A/N: **I'm so sorry it took me so long to update! I was really bust the past few days, but here is chapter 5 for you! I hope you enjoy! I love my readers. Please comment! Comments help me write faster! Oh and I have a poll on my profile, please vote! It's about what my next project!

* * *

><p>Over the next two weeks Castiel learned that the more he talked to Lucifer, the more he calmed down. Satan never really stopped tormenting him. However, Cas didn't have to go through seeing his dead brothers and sisters, nor did he have to deal with a fake Dean, as long as he spoke with Lucifer. It wasn't the most intellectual idea. In fact it was incredibly stupid to let the Devil have any hold over him. Cas didn't seem to care as long as he never had to face another fake Dean. It hurt too much. Cas wasn't strong enough to deal with that. Of course that didn't stop Lucifer from popping in as Dean, but he usually would only do it for a few seconds before becoming Nick again.<p>

The notebook was almost done. He only had a few more things left to tell the Winchesters. It was almost therapeutic writing everything out. The only problem was Cas had no idea what he would do after he was done. He's usefulness for the Winchesters would run out. Would Dean stop caring about him? Would he leave Cas here in the psych ward inevitably or would Cas be traded to the Angels/Demons for more information? The questions became worse the closer he was to finishing the notebook. Cas just didn't know what the brothers would do when he ran out of information.

"My vote is that they kill you." Lucifer said popping into existence beside him. Cas stiffened and glared at his tormentor. "Why would they kill me?"

"Because after you tell them all they need to know, you become a liability. They can't take you with them, because you're going crazy. They can't leave you unattended because everyone is after what you have in that head of yours. So, what other reasonable option do they have? Babysit you for the rest of their lives or put you out of your own misery."

Cas clenched his fist. Logically speaking Lucifer had a valid point, but still Cas didn't want to believe that the Winchesters would willingly kill him. After all they were friends, almost family, at one point. "Sam and Dean wouldn't kill me, we were friends. I trust them. I have faith in them." Cas said resolutely while standing up. He paced the floor of his room. Lucifer started to clap while laughing. "You know brother if I didn't know the entire back story, I would find you belief in those two mud monkeys endearing. However, let me remind you that you even said that you didn't end as friends with the Winchesters. Also, they have tried to kill you before or did you forget about the whole Purgatory ordeal."

"I gave them no other choice. They had to try and kill me. Besides now I pose no threat to them."

"Your existence poses a threat to them. It's not even for the knowledge you possess, it's simply because you are not human. Anything non-human is threat in the eyes of the Winchesters."

"Then maybe it is better for everyone if I die."

Lucifer smiled and walked right up to Cas. "Did you ever stop to think of what would happen to Sam if you kick the bucket?" Cas felt his blood turn to ice. He took a step back and stared at the Devil. "What do you mean?" A coin appeared and Lucifer flipped it into the air continuously. Cas resisted the urge to grab it and throw it at Satan. "I'm saying that if you die, you have no way of knowing if I go back to Sammy's head. You only transferred me from Sam's head to yours; so maybe if you die I get to go back to my favorite little vessel. "The fallen angel mocked while attempting to look as innocent as possible. This in all reality was quite disturbing to look at. Cas shook his head. He wouldn't let Lucifer take more control over him. It was true that he didn't know what would happen to Sam should he die. It was a possibility that the Devil was speaking the truth. However, it was a possibility that it was lie. A very cruel lie in order for Cas to continue to live with the hallucination. Cas thought that it was only right for him to die. However, he couldn't in good conscious kill himself off if there was a possibility that Sam would get hurt.

Cas couldn't even comprehend how Dean would feel if he died and Sam went crazy again. He didn't know if the hunter would mourn his death or just the fact that his death meant the end of Sam's sanity. It's hard to figure out when the man doesn't even like to show if he is happy most the time let alone upset. Still the thought of his death effecting Dean in anyway was not desirable. He would have to do some research on the matter. However, that would also mean leaving this building.

The door swung open and Meg walked through the door. She looked more or less the same, even with the annoying smirk plastered to her face. Cas glared at her then switched to looking at Lucifer, who was making faces at Meg. Cas had an urge to laugh at the absurdness of the view; however with Meg there he kept his impassive face. "Hello feathers, any changes in that loony bin upstairs?" Cas stared at her with a look that clearly stated, _I'm not impressed with your attitude and if I wanted to I could wipe your existence off the map. _He walked over to the desk, picked up his notebook and held it close to him. He did not want Meg to get her hands on it.

"No worries Cassie I won't take your diary away from you. God knows you'll throw a hissy fit if I do and an Angel hissy fit has a lot of consequence that I don't want to deal with." Meg said rolling her eyes. She side stepped the door and opened it making a sweeping motion with her hand. Cas let his eyes widen just a little. Everyone didn't allow Cas to walk about the building, because according to the Doctors he was unstable. They really didn't have clue how true that was. Meg's voice woke him from his stupor, "Yes I know it's a miracle, but you get to leave your room. Your knight in shining armor Dean thinks it might help you if you get to go outside for a bit. That being said you can't go angel off anywhere. That would be a very bad idea and we both know how much you would hate to disappoint your boyfriend."

Cas rolled his eyes and followed the demon into the hallway. Inside he was ecstatic to go outside for the first time in months. He could always leave at any time he wished too, but he didn't want to worry Dean. Beside him, Lucifer started to sing and jovially walk down the hall. Cas believed the angel was singing "Running with the Devil". It was in poor taste, but still slightly humorous. Cas didn't laugh. In fact he didn't even smile. The staff and Meg still believed that he hasn't talked. Which is the truth, he hasn't talked to any of them, nor has he been caught talking to Lucifer. He didn't want to deal with the reactions he would no doubt get.

So, Cas walked on, taking notes in his head of his surroundings. He also pointedly ignored Lucifer screeching and Meg stealing glances at the notebook in his hands. He was finally out of the room. He had forgotten how wonderful it felt to walk more than ten steps in any direction. Meg once again snapped him out of his reverence, "Word to the wise soldier boy, you might want to start talking to anyone. The doctors are having a hard time dealing with the whole code of silence thing you have going on. The wonder brothers are also worried and I don't do sympathy so could you try to get them off my back."

Cas knew she had a point. He would have to talk eventually, but honestly he just didn't want to. There was nobody he really wanted to talk to anymore, except Dean. However, Dean seems to be tired of his apologies, so he was left with nothing to say. Still he would have to change something to keep the doctors abide as he finished the notebook.

All thought process in Cas's head flew out as he walked outside for the first time in months. It was the best feeling his has felt in a long time. The sky looked was covered with different variations of grey clouds, the grass was dark green and long, and the wind blew gently around him. It smelled of dirt, rain, and grass. It was amazing. After all of that, the thing that caught Cas's eye was the tree. There was only one tree in the courtyard. It was a willow tree, with the branches sweeping the ground. A weeping willow, it suits this place. It was beautiful, serene, and sad. It seemed so alone.

Cas left Meg's side and ignored Lucifer who was now singing "Dust in the wind". He walked down the steps, past the benches, on to the grass and finally stopped in front of the tree. Reaching out he gently touched the trunk. "You're touching the tree like it's a Dean replacement. its creepy little brother." Lucifer said stopping his song and popping up beside him. Cas sighed and removed his hand, turning around he lay down beneath the tree. He stared up at the sky through the tree. Lucifer lay beside him and looked up at the sky. "What are you so infatuated with? It's just earth. This world holds no comparison to the beauty of heaven. "

It was at that moment Cas realized the biggest difference between himself and the Devil. He saw the beauty of this world. Cas understood why his Father loved this planet and the inhabitants. "If you don't like it out here then why are you so happy?" Cas retorted. He watched as Meg whipped her head in his direction. Her mouth was slightly ajar and she looked as if he had smacked her. Cas once again had to suppress the urge to laugh. Meg did say he needed to talk more and he was talking to someone. They just happen to live in his mind.

"Are you kidding me? Have you tried being stuck in a room with you? It's so boring." The fallen angel exclaimed waving his hands around as if he was trying to swat away a fly. Cas turned he's head and looked at the blonde. He pitied Satan. He couldn't help but feel sorry for the Angel who was so full of hate and jealousy, that he couldn't even see all the goodness in his Father's creations. "I'm sorry that my insanity is boring to you."

Lucifer started to laugh; it was a high, annoying laugh. "Yes you are insane. Tell me Cassie, was it worth it; all the pain, suffering, with no thanks, no gratitude, just insanity."

That made Cas pause and think for a minute. Sitting up he looked around, at nature, at the people through the window, at Meg who was fumbling with her phone, and then again at Lucifer. Cas looked at the blonde and remembered. Memories flew through his mind, saving Dean from hell, meeting Dean for the first time, meeting Bobby, meeting Sam, watching Sam, Dean, and Bobby save people, saving Dean from Zachariah, falling, becoming human, dying, stopping the apocalypse, fighting, purgatory, dying again. He remembered the laughter, the smiles, the tears, the pain, all of the good moments and the bad. He thought of everything as he looked at Lucifer.

"Yes, brother it was."

Cas watched as his older brother's face distorted with confusion. It was interesting to watch Lucifer ponder over his words. Still he stared at his brother baiting him to say something else. In the background he heard Meg growl at her phone, "Oh come on answer your damn phone." Cas knew she was calling Sam and Dean. He knew she would tell them that he was conversing with Lucifer. His stomach twisted in nerves at the thought of their reactions. "How in Father's name is this worth it? You are insane, your hunters hate you, the world is filled with Leviathans and monsters, and you will probably never see heaven again. All I see is pain, all that is inside of you is guilt, anger, and confusion. So what is it that was worthy saving?" Lucifer spat standing up and pacing in front of him.

Cas stared at Lucifer and saw himself three years ago. He was back in the holding room facing off with Dean, except now the tables were turned. He was now in Dean's shoes facing off against a much more powerful angel. It was comical, how everything was the same yet drastically different. Cas thought of Dean and how broken yet strong he was, he looked Lucifer straight in the eye and said, "I'll take the pain, the guilt, and even you as we are, because there is a right and wrong. What I did was for the right reasons, I just did it in all the wrong ways, but I would do it all over again if it meant that this world and those boys are still alive. Everything else can be figured out as we go."

The Devil looked like he had just sucked on a lemon. They stayed there, just staring at each other. It had seemed as though Cas had made Satan speechless. Cas glanced over at Meg who was still messing with her phone. It started ringing and she opened it in a flash. "About damn time Twiddle-Dee, is Twiddle-Dum with you? Fantastic, look it's about feather brain over here. He's started to talking. No not to me you idiot, to your favorite evil bastard. Yes, I mean Lucifer. I don't know! This is the first time I've caught him doing it." Anything else she might have said got cut off as Lucifer bent down inches away from Cas's face. The Devil was staring at him like he was some sort of problem to be solved.

Cas remained impassive as Lucifer crowded his personal space. The Winchester's knew now. The thought was somewhat of a relief. The fallen angel in front of him scowled, "You rebelled, tried to save what you rebelled from, made deals with demons, lied, backstabbed, killed many people and angels, got in way over your head with power, damned the world, and then sacrificed yourself to try to fix things. It doesn't sound very much like a foot soldier in God's army."

He looked at his older brother, then at Meg still furiously talking on the phone, and then he looked at the sky. The sky had become darker with the threat of rain. He was silent for some time just listening to the world around him. A single raindrop fell and hit his forehead. Taking his hand he wiped his head and stood up. Cas threw open his arms and side glanced Lucifer, who was looking at him with mild curiosity. It began to rain drenching the angel within seconds. He heard Meg curse and run towards the door. Lucifer stood beside him in the rain and looked up at the sky. Cas looked at him and said with a voice full of strength and pride:

"No I didn't act like an angel. I acted like a true Winchester."

Soaking wet, talking to a hallucination of Lucifer, with his hands shaking Cas turned his head back to the sky and smiled softly.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Ok what did you guys think? I wanted a bit more of an uplifting chapter. I also wanted to show that Cas is getting stronger. I really liked the idea of Cas having a parellel moment with past Dean. Please, please review and let me know what you thought!


	6. Lucifer laughed and laughed

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing Supernatural related.

**Warning:** Sad moments, cruel moments, I promise it shall get more slashy as the chapters progress.

**A/N:** Woot chapter six is finally up! Hello my loves I hope you enjoy the newest update. I'm sorry I couldn't get it up earlier. Please vote in the poll I have up on my profile. And for the love of all that is good please review. Reviews mean better chapters hopefully. I loved this chapter but it was hard to write. Reviews=Love :)

* * *

><p>Cas stared at the ceiling. He was lying on his bed with his hands behind his head. He had taken a break from writing, mostly because Lucifer hadn't stopped bugging him for the past two days. They had made a deal that Cas would stop writing for an hour and Luci would make him scarce. It seemed like a good idea at the time, however the more he thought about it; the more he thought that the Devil was most likely planning something. Though Cas highly doubted that Satan would manage something worse than what he had been doing for the past week.<p>

After Cas's impromptu declaration of being a Winchester a week ago, Lucifer made it a habit of showing up in the room as Dean. Funnily enough it was never Sam, just Dean. The fallen angel would not change back into Nick unless Cas admitted one of his bad thoughts about Dean. Lucifer claimed he had, "more faith in Dean Winchester, then most angels have in Father." Cas didn't really believe that it was true. Yes, he trusted and believed in Dean, but that was after four years of fighting together and against each other. It wasn't as if Castiel had blind faith in the hunter. He just treated Dean like the best friend Cas always believed him to be. Lucifer however thought that it was highly disgusting and that Cas needed an intervention of sorts. So as consequence once a day a Dean look alike would come into the room and Cas would have to admit to something he never wanted Dean to know he thought.

It was frustrating to say the least. Cas was tired of having the Winchesters used against him. It seems as though ever since he saved Dean from hell, everybody has tried to use them against each other. Now Lucifer did it every day, whether it was him impersonating Dean, or reminding Cas how much he hurt Dean. Cas just felt so powerless to stop him. He is powerless as long as he stays in this room doing nothing. On the other hand the Winchesters seem to want him to stay here. Cas found himself again at a difficult decision. He could do as Sam and Dean wanted and stays here with Lucifer and Meg or he could leave and try to stay away from the hunters. The funny thing was that no matter how many scenarios Cas came up with he was never with the Winchesters in the end. He was always by himself. In some cases he ended up dead.

Cas wasn't going to lie, there had been a few times that he thought his demise would be the best solution for everyone. Still he didn't like the thought that Lucifer could go back to Sam's head if he was dead. So he is left with no solution to his problem for now. Instead he threw himself into the notebook he was writing for his former best friends. In addition to all the information they wanted, Cas also put in the things he kept from them. Uriel's betrayal, Ana's words, all the angels he had to kill, all the times he tried to approach Dean before he made the deal with Crowley, every detail about what he did with Crowley, all of these he added to the notebook. Cas believed it would be better for the Winchesters to know exactly what he was going through. He wanted them to know just how bad it was to him. He didn't stop there though, he wrote about the torture he was put through during the times he helped the Winchesters. He wrote about how he felt throughout his dealings with the Winchesters. However, it didn't end there; he also wrote about how Lucifer constantly made him relive these moments and every other thing that the Devil in his head did to him.

The notebook held all the good moments, the bad moments and all his information. The notebook was in a way Cas. The thought made him sad. He could be condensed to a notebook. If that's what the Winchesters wanted from him, that's what he would do. It wasn't the most desirable thing, but it is what he deserves. Even with writing the notebook out, Cas still felt as if he deserves all the bad things that happen to him. He can't seem to comprehend the idea of forgiving himself. Which is a bit hypocritical since all he wants is to make things right so Dean will forgive him. The way Cas sees it, it's not about him forgiving himself; it's about making it so he is at least somewhat forgivable in others eyes. Dean mostly, but Sam's forgiveness would also mean the world to him as well. He didn't have that great of a connection with the younger Winchester, but he still thought of him as a friend.

Cas's friendship with Sam was always something that bugged him. It wasn't like the bond he shares with Dean. To be fair there is nothing like the profound bond he shares with the green eyed hunter. Sam on the other hand is someone very important to Cas just not in the same way. In a way he feels as if he should protect Sam because Dean would protect him. In an essence Sam is important to Dean therefore Sam is important to Cas. Cas shook his head. It was a horrible thought; he shouldn't let Dean influence everything he thought about everyone. He cared about Sam's well-being, which should be enough.

The door to his room quietly opened and a bald head with square glasses peaked through. Cas almost sighed in relief. It wasn't Meg. The she demon had been hell since she found out that he was talking again. Always asking questions, always getting mad when he never answered, then she would just threaten him and leave. It was annoying to say the least. Thankfully this time it wasn't Meg, but one of the many doctors that came to question and talk to him. Meg had let it slip that Cas started conversing with Lucifer, so of course everybody assumes that he's going to talk to them. A snowball had a better chance in hell. Cas has been absolute in not talking to anybody but Lucifer. He didn't want to talk to anybody else. Well, maybe Dean, but Dean has always been the exception.

The doctor walked in and sat at the chair by the desk. "Hello, Castiel how are you feeling today?"

Cas stared at the ceiling.

"Ahh, still not talking to anyone I see. However the fact that you are speaking at all is a sign of improvement."

Cas rolled his eyes. Yes, because talking to the Devil is an improvement.

"Seeing as you are not talking or looking at anything but the ceiling, I'm going to hazard a guess that your hallucination isn't present at the time. This is a good thing Castiel. It shows progress."

Cas sat up and glared at the doctor. The look was one he usually saved for Dean; it said _I don't want to be lectured by someone who knows nothing about what is going on._ He gave that glare a lot to the Winchesters before and during the apocalypse. The doctor must have noticed because he flushed and went back to staring at the clipboard in front of him.

"Well that's it for now Castiel. Just remember to sleep and eat. The nurses have noticed that you always seem to be awake and never eat much."

Cas laid back down and looked at the ceiling. He didn't have to eat or sleep, so usually he just wrote. He would push the food around his plate to make it look as if he had consumed something. He did it just to appease everyone. He shuddered to think about what would happen if they found out he didn't eat or sleep. They would probably try to test him and experiment on him. That would cause more problems with the Winchesters so he tried to avoid detection.

The door opened and closed again. Cas was left alone. He had grown comfortable with the loneliness. He couldn't hurt anyone if he was alone. Even with Lucifer in his head, Cas always felt better when no one else was present. Slowly he stood back up and went to the desk. Sitting back down he looked over the notebook. It had a little water damage to it from the day of the storm. Flipping through the pages he noticed how much he mentioned the Winchesters and Bobby. They were constantly there, at least once a page. It was insane how in the past four years, his life had turned upside down. Apparently it revolved around those three humans. There were also mentions of Ellen and Jo.

Cas missed them. He missed Ellen and Jo laughing at him or picking on the brothers. He hated that he couldn't save them. He hated Lucifer for trapping him in holy fire. Cas missed Bobby. The older hunter had grown to mean so much to the angel. He was sad that he didn't get to say goodbye to the grumpy drunk. He hoped that where ever Bobby was now that he didn't think too ill of him. In a weird way Cas really wish that he had Bobby's approval. He wasn't even sure why he wanted it; he just craved it. He missed Bobby's house. It was messy, it was dirty, smelled like alcohol, and it was the closest thing Cas ever had to a home. It felt safe and warm. Now it was empty. There was no Bobby to call him an "idjit", no Sam and Dean sleeping on the couch and floor, Cas had no home.

Opening to the nearest clean paper, Cas grabbed his pencil. He pressed the tip to the paper and very lightly began to draw. Ever since he stood up to the Devil, his hand hasn't shaken once. He could remember clearly the only picture he ever was in. He started sketching out Bobby in the wheelchair, Jo standing behind him with her arm thrown over him, Dean beside her, Sam with his arm slung around Dean and himself, Ellen standing in front of the boys and finally himself next to Sam. He didn't add in a background; it didn't need a background, just them staring back at him. The drawing was realistic, not picture perfect, but well enough. He changed a few things, he erased himself and drew the others smiling. He couldn't erase himself completely; anyone could see that he had drawn himself there at one point. The others looked happy though. It was how he remembered them.

Cas flipped to the next page and continued to draw. He drew Gabriel laughing out right in that careless manner he had. Next, was Rachael smiling softly up at him. Ana came after that before she went all "Glenn Close on the situation." Finally he drew Balthazar smiling without a care in the world. His brothers and sisters looking happy, before the apocalypse tore them all apart. Cas was being highly emotional and he knew it. He needed to get it together before Lucifer comes back. The Devil would never let him live this down. He didn't want to be this emotional. It only hurt. Cas flipped between the two drawings. He stared at "Team Free Will" as Dean liked to call them and had the urge to write some sort of comment. Anything to show how much he missed everyone.

Cas thought about it. He didn't have the right words to convey his emotions though. Instead he thought of a song. He had only heard it once or twice when he was fallen and sitting in the Impala. The lyrics were perfect though. They said everything that Cas could not. So, underneath the drawing of the hunters, he began to write the lyrics. Cas was thankful for his good memory because he remembered every single word. When he ran out of room on that page, he went to the pictures of his brothers and sisters and finished the song. "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton was truly the only song Cas could identify with.

Feeling completely strung out by his latest chick flick moment, Cas set down his pencil and closed the notebook. Dwelling on them wasn't going to help anyone. He shouldn't allow himself to wallow in pity like this. It wasn't useful to anyone. Except Lucifer would get a kick out of it. Satan would definitely use this as more ammunition to make Cas's life a living hell. Cas dragged his hand through his hair and sighed. He didn't want to think about what Lucifer would do to him after this.

The door to his room opened and all Cas could think was _Speak of the Devil._ He glanced up to see another Dean look alike walking through the door. Cas had an urge to throw something. He was not in the mood to deal with the fallen angel's sick humor. He just wanted a little peace. Cas watched as the doppelganger looked around, before spotting Cas at the desk. He looked into those fake green eyes and only got angrier. He watched as the Devil Dean opened his mouth to no doubt insult him and Cas decided he was just going to nip this in the bud.

"Really Lucifer didn't we do this game only just this morning? I clearly remember you walking in looking like Dean only four hours ago. So what is it now? What do you want me to admit now?" Cas said cutting off what the Devil was going to say. He watched as Devil Dean shut his mouth and look confused. Cas felt a swell of pride in making Lucifer speechless.

"Here let me cut to the chase then. I've already told you how I horrible it felt to only be called when the Winchesters needed something. We've covered the fact that they never seemed to care about the troubles I was having in heaven. How about the fact that even though they have both condemned the world at least once, they can't forgive me even when I tried to set it right by giving up the souls. Better yet, that it feels horrible knowing I pushed them to the point they tried to kill me. I know, we can talk about them never really trusting me, even before I started to lie to them. What is it that you would like to hear about?" Cas spat hatefully as he stood up and got closer to the Devil in disguise. He stopped when he was about six inches away and just stared down the other angel. He wasn't going to back down this time. He was tired of Lucifer using Dean to hurt him.

"Please enlighten me to what you want to hear, because the faster we talk, the faster you stop looking like Dean. This is the last time you will use Dean to hurt me. We both know that Dean cannot forgive me, so he won't be visiting me. I know it's you brother, so this is pointless. I am no longer considered a friend to the Winchesters and I have accepted that. What more do you want?" Cas snapped and glared at his older brother. He could even smell Dean. A mixture of soap, oil, and dirt that was completely Dean. The smell shot through Cas and it hurt. He had grown very fond of that smell over the years. He watched as Devil Dean took a step back from him with a look of pain on his face. The hurt in the green eyes looked so real Cas felt his face soften. Cas stayed frozen to the spot as the Dean look alike turned on his heel and stomped out of the room.

For a moment Castiel felt victorious. He had told of the Devil. It was empowering. Turning away from the door, he walked back to his chair and desk. He looked at the notebook and sat back down, ready to finish writing it. Lucifer, looking like Nick, popped into existence beside him laughing. Cas rolled his eyes. Satan laughed and laughed and just kept laughing. Doubled over, hands clenching his stomach, the Devil laughed. Finally after what seemed like ten minutes the laughter stopped.

"Oh Cassie that was brilliant. No really that was a spectacular performance." Lucifer said wiping his eyes.

"I don't see how me telling you off is so amusing." Castiel replied bored.

"The hateful glare, the wicked words, and you spilling your dark thoughts about Dean Winchester. It couldn't have gone better if I had planned it." The fallen angel said slapping Cas's back. Cas was confused. Didn't Lucifer plan this out over the week of torture? "You wanted to plan me talking back to you?" It just didn't make sense.

"You didn't tell me off, Castiel."

Cas stared at the blonde with a sense of dread creeping in on him. "What do you mean brother?"

"That wasn't me, that was your lover boy Dean Winchester in the flesh and you just told him a bunch of horrible things you think of him." The Devil giggled. Honest to Father, he giggled. Cas felt his heart sink into his stomach and clench tightly.

"You lie." He desperately hoped Satan was just playing a cruel joke.

"Think little brother, really think about the Dean I act like and the Dean you just came into contact with."

Cas felt his blood turn into ice. Dean hadn't said a word to him and the Devil always had something to say. Dean had looked hurt just for a moment. He had even smelled like Dean, Lucifer never had any type of smell surrounding him. Cas started to panic. He just said horrible things to Dean. His Dean, the hunter who he had given so much for, and Dean had left. Not one word was said to him. Dean had come to see him and Cas being an idiot had verbally bashed his hunter. It wasn't fair.

Cas didn't remember leaving his room. The next thing he knew he was walking through the hallway towards the window that faced the front of the building. He looked outside and looked at the parking lot. He saw other patients, nurses, and doctors wandering to and from cars, but he couldn't seem to care. He caught a glimpse of leather and narrowed his eyes. There was Dean pacing in front of a crappy little car and talking on his phone. The hunter looked angry. Castiel rested his forehead against the glass and brought his hand to press against the window.

Suddenly, Dean looked up to the building towards the window. Green met blue and Cas felt his heart clench painfully. That was his Dean looking at him. They just stared at each other for no more than a minute, but it meant the world to Cas. He watched as Dean closed his phone and get into the car. He didn't stop watching as the car pulled out the parking spot and drive away. Misery set into his very core as he walked back to his room.

Lucifer was sitting on his bed smiling smugly, "So how do you think Dean-o feels about you being so very ungrateful towards him. You must be the biggest burden on those two, little brother." Lucifer had a point. Cas wouldn't be surprised if Dean never came back to visit him again.

Numbly he sat down at his desk and put his head in his hands. Everything inside of him was in agony. His grace hurt. Looking down Cas saw the almost finished notebook. He felt so alone in that moment. "I'm still here Cassie." Luci laughed. Cas shuddered and started to think. He suddenly knew what he was going to do when he finished the notebook.

With a determined look, Castiel opened the notebook and grabbed his pencil. He pressed it against the paper as his hand began to tremble.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** So what did you think? Did you guys like the drawings? Oh and if you have never heard the song please please listen to it! Go find it on youtube "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton. I think it suits how Cas feels about his friends. So Dean makes an apperence and don't worry he won't be gone long. Isn't Lucifer just a dick at points? Please let me know what you thought and Review!


	7. Love forever your angel Castiel

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything Supernatural related, but I can alway dream I do. lol

**Warning:** All the feels! Oh and grammer might be off sorry...

**A/N:** Hello loves i'm back! This chapter was a bitch. No really I must have rewrote it ten different times! This however is the end product and I do hope that you like it. Alot happens in this chapter so read carefully. Also reviews are like crack to me so please help me out! I have a poll on my profile if you would be so kind to contribute your answers, it will be up til 04-18. Thanks for reading and enjoy!

* * *

><p>The notebook was almost complete. Cas sighed in relief. There was only one problem. He didn't know how to finish it off. Should he just stop and make it impersonal or should end it with a signature? Cas just didn't know. He was pretty sure there wasn't a rule of etiquette when ending a high revealing notebook about oneself. In fact Cas was pretty sure there wasn't a rule of etiquette when it came to dealing with the Winchesters at all. Not that it really mattered; he seriously doubted that the Winchesters follow any rules of etiquette. They were more of the type to go with their guts, or act first think later. Cas smirked, that wasn't right either. Sam and Dean were more of the type to say to hell with the rules and make plans around said rules. It's kind of why they were in this situation to begin with.<p>

Still, the ending was bugging him. Cas really didn't like the idea of leaving it in an impersonal matter. The entire notebook was personal, so shouldn't the ending fit the theme as well? "Why don't you end it with…? Love forever your angel Castiel?" Lucifer popped up beside Cas. The blonde had he's hands framing his face and was staring at Cas with wide eyes and a dopey smile. It was quite disturbing. Cas wasn't sure if the Devil was trying to act charming or if he was just insane. He shook his head, probably a bit of both, more of the latter than the former. Sighing Cas stared at the paper in front of him. "According to you, I'm not much of an angel."

"It's true you are a pathetic excuse for an Angel of the Lord." Lucifer exclaimed, clamping his hand down on Cas's shoulder. Cas involuntarily shivered. He might be used to the Devil taunting and torturing him, but touching was a different story. Cas absolutely hated it when the fallen angel touched him. He glared at the hand still on his shoulder, "You're one to talk Morningstar, and you set the bar when it comes to failing as an angel."

The lights in his room exploded as Lucifer's face darkened. "I was the most loyal of them all. I wanted nothing more than Father's love. I was cast down into the cage for wanting my Father's love."

Cas smirked; there weren't many times that he goaded the Devil into anger. In fact poking the beast that lives inside his head wasn't the best idea. However, Cas did think Dean would be proud that he was mouthing off to the Devil. He could practically hear Dean egg him on. It reminded him of the time he trapped Raphael in the circle of holy fire and called the archangel his little bitch. Perhaps he has spent too much time around the sarcastic hunter. "You were cast down for being a narcissistic dick."

"Oh Cassie have you grown some balls in the past five months? You can taunt me all you want but you know that we are more alike than different."

Cas slammed his hands down and stood up. He faced the Devil and looked into his cold eyes, "That is a lie." Lucifer laughed cruelly and stepped closer to Cas. They stood there staring at each other, one staring mockingly and the other hatefully. "Are we that different little brother? We both rebelled against Father's word for what we thought was a just cause. We both were hunted by our own brothers and sisters. We both killed countless people for our side to win. Most importantly, we both let our power control us and paid the price for it. I was forced into a cage in the deepest part of hell and you are in a cage of your own personal hell. We are the same Castiel." Lucifer reached out towards him, but Cas stepped back to avoid the contact. Logically he knew that Luci was wrong, however, when said like that he really didn't seem that different.

Cas shook his head. He wasn't going to let Satan mess with his head like that. He had to be smarter than that. "You're wrong. We may have similarities Lucifer, but there is one main difference between you and me; Father brought me back. Father allowed me to continue on this quest; while he let you rot in your cage."

"And now he'll leave you to rot in yours. He knew it would end up like this, so don't you think that he wanted you to spend eternity with me in your head as punishment? Think about it Castiel." Lucifer smiled at Cas one last time before disappearing again. Of course he had thought about that. He had to believe that Father was a part of this. It would mean that the world and the Winchesters were meant to be saved. It might not be what God had originally planned, but change can be a good thing. Still as an angel, Cas had rebelled and he must take the consequences of his betrayal. He had accepted that this was the price he must pay for helping the Winchesters. Cas ran his hand through his hair and sighed. A lifetime of hell was a small price to pay for saving Sam and Dean.

It seems as though for the past four years all he's thought about is saving the Winchesters. He has actually died for them on several occasions. Dying was of little consequence to him now. He would gladly die again if it meant to be some help. He owed his life into helping clean up the mess he made. This is why the notebook was so important. He didn't have all the knowledge about Leviathans, but what he did have would help.

Sitting back down at the desk, Cas returned to staring at the notebook. He really needed to hurry and finish. He only had a few more hours before Meg would show back up in his room. He had to have everything finished by then. It was just the ending. It was as though he was at a loss for words. It was possible that he was prolonging finishing because he didn't want it to end yet. That would be the human side of his heart coming out. It was illogical. Cas should want to give the notebook to the Winchesters. It's what he has been working on nonstop for the past months.

Cas was lying to himself, deep down he knew exactly why he was delaying the end. After watching Dean drive away two weeks ago he knew what he had to do. He decided that he is going to leave the psych ward. He was going to let the notebook be the last communication between him and the Winchesters. Cas was just tired of always causing them worry and pain. He's tired of watching Dean walk away, tired of having to leave Dean, and exhausted of losing everyone he cared for. So, he plans on leaving the notebook in the hunter's care and disappearing. It wasn't as though Cas planned on doing nothing. In fact Cas planned on hunting and doing research on how to kill or send back the Leviathans. He just wasn't going to do it with the Winchesters. He was done burdening his friends.

That's why the ending was so hard to write, because in a sense it was going to be the last thing if ever said to Sam and Dean. That thought was hard to swallow. What did Cas want his last words to be? Who honestly knows the answer to a question like that? He had put every detail he could think of in the journal except what he was planning to do while he was gone. Cas didn't think it was wise to let Sam and Dean know that. He could take care of himself. He still had most of his angel mojo as Dean would say. He could fly, smite lesser demons and monsters, was faster and stronger than humans, and he could heal himself. Cas couldn't heal others though and he wasn't as strong as some angels, but he was still proficient with his Angel blade. The biggest thing was that he just wanted to be useful and help. Even if it was from afar.

Cas didn't think that getting overly emotional for the ending would be a good thing. Dean hated chick flick moments in real life, so he probably wouldn't take to kind to reading one either. He never had been an highly emotional being to begin with so that would just be odd. Cliché endings were out as well, Cas never really understood most of Dean's references anyway. So, if Sam and Dean were right here in front of him, with what words would he leave them? Cas sat in silence. He sighed and decided that being simple was the best route. Cas grabbed the pen and shakily put it against the paper. In clear and precise hand writing he wrote: _Be careful, don't do anything stupid, good luck and goodbye._ Short, simple and to the point, it was the best thing he could come up with. He wanted his last word to be goodbye. He wanted the chance to say goodbye to Dean. This was as close as it got, but it was painful. Goodbyes were painful.

Closing the notebook and setting down the pen, Cas stood up. He walked up to the bed and picked up the pillow. Underneath laid Jimmy's old trench coat. It was torn, dirty, and bloodied, but Cas couldn't bring himself to throw it away. In fact he had refused to let the nurses take it away from him. It was a part of his life for the past four years. He was actually really surprised and happy to see that Dean had kept it. Picking it up Cas lightly touched the battered cloth. Turning he grabbed the notebook and took one last look at the room he had been confined in for the past five months. He wasn't going to miss it at all. However, he did wish he could see Meg's face when she realized that he had escape. It would be a comical sight.

Cas flew. He soared high into the night sky and let his wings stretch. They had been confined for far too long. It felt amazing to feel the air and clouds around him again. Cas watched as the ground below him changed from a city to fields, mountains, and lakes. The world his Father built was still beautiful and alive. "Cassie, you didn't tell me that we were going on a road trip!" Castiel looked to his side to see Lucifer flying next to him. He actually wasn't even surprised that Satan was next to him flying. Even an hallucination of Lucifer had to miss flying. Every angel had the urge to spread their wings and fly. The Devil had huge dark red wings that engulfed his body. Cas had once heard stories that Lucifer's wings use to be the whitest and purest of all the angels before he rebelled. Now his wings were coated in the innocent blood he had shed. Still Cas couldn't say much about marked wings; his very own were stained from his trip into hell. The once white feathers have turned ash grey and black and were a bit tattered, scorched by hellfire.

"Surprise big brother, I decided to break out."

"Well it wouldn't be the first time you rebelled."

Cas smirked and dove down into a small clothing store. He wasn't going to go out into the world looking as insane as he actually was. The humans wouldn't trust him if he did. So he appeared into a Goodwill that appeared to be closed. No one was in the building, nor were there any cameras to catch him. He had to hurry. In a few hours the sun would rise and the nurses will be alerted to his disappearance. He could not let Dean and Sam know he was gone until after he had dropped off the notebook. Quickly he grabbed a pair of black pants and the matching jacket that reminded him of the ones that Jimmy wore, he couldn't find an appropriate white button down shirt instead he found a light blue one, and finally he grabbed a dark blue and green stripped tie. It was the closest thing to his previous outfit that he could find.

"Aww clothing shopping, Cassie you shouldn't have." Lucifer said running amok around the store. Shaking his head Cas began to change into the outfit. He ignored the Devil as he whistled and shouted "Strip tease!" while Cas undressed. Cas finished off the outfit with a pair of black shoes. In a weird way he felt as if he was more himself than ever. He felt back to his holy tax accountant days.

Staying perfectly still, Cas listened. He could still hear prayers directed to him. He had a habit of listening to prayers whenever he needed a break from writing. They soothed him and reminded him of better days. It reminded him of listening into Dean and Sam's prayers to him. They were quite unconventional and tended to insult him, but they were always the highlight of the day. Even when Cas was in the chaos of battle, he would try to answer the hunter's prayer. In fact that was exactly what he was listening for right now.

Dean had a habit of calling out to Cas while he was asleep. Cas didn't even think Dean knew he did it. He didn't plan on telling him either, because as long as Dean did that then Cas would be able to find him. He should feel a little bad that the hunter had nightmares about what he did, but now he just really needed a Dean GPS.

_Cas! Cas man don't make me lose you too. _

Dean! Cas was sure he would recognize that gruff voice anywhere. Even as Emmanuel he felt connected to Dean when he spoke.

_Cas you stupid son of a bitch. _

Cas smiled and flew out of the store and in the direction of Dean's voice. It shouldn't make him so happy that Dean thinks about him in his sleep. Sadly Cas was a little excited to see Dean. Dean would be asleep, but still he could confirm with his own eyes that the hunter was ok. He had mentioned in his writings how much he worried about the boys during his time away. Once a week calls were not enough to calm his nerves.

"May I remind you loverboy that you are going there to drop off the notebook and fly away never to see them again." Lucifer cut into his happiness.

"Must you ruin everything brother?" Castiel claimed letting the smile fade from his face and his heart grow heavier.

"Yes actually it's in the job description, right after the torturing poor souls and before trying to destroy all of humanity." The Devil laughed jovially. Cas had to admit that it was a stupid question. Something he also acquired from spending too much time with the eldest Winchester. Diving down he landed into a motel room.

Being around the Winchesters, Cas had grown accustomed to how most motels looked like. The one he was standing in was just a commonplace and mundane as all the others. Looking around he noticed a few empty beer bottles on the floor and a very dim light coming from the kitchen. Sam and Dean were on their separate beds, dead asleep. Another benefit for being an angel is Cas could be practically silent as he moved about the room. He wrapped the notebook in Jimmy's trench coat and set it on the table. He had decided to leave the jacket as well. It was only right, the notebook shone light on everything in Castiel's head and Castiel was known to wear that beige coat. Cas was different now and didn't deserve the jacket. He wasn't Dean's angel and best friend anymore.

Turning back to the hunters, Cas stood in silence as he watched the brothers sleep. "Cassie this is highly creepy and stalkerish." Lucifer said while sitting on the table beside the coat. Cas ignored him. He didn't care if he was being weird. This would be the last time he would see the boys and he wanted to ingrain every detail of them in his head. Slowly he moved towards Sam, who was sprawled out across the entire bed. The younger hunter looked a lot healthier and rested since he had last seen him. Of course now Sam didn't have Lucifer bugging him all the time in his head. Cas was never as close to Sam as he was to Dean but he still cared deeply for the man. Sam was a good soul, who didn't deserve the fate his was given. The huge man snorted and snored loudly. Cas smiled and turned to the older Winchester.

Dean was on his side facing the doorway. Cas felt his chest constrict and hurt. Oddly it was a nice pain. It was a familiar pain. He felt it every time he saw Dean. Cas sat down at the foot of the bed and looked at the hunter. Dean looked so much younger and innocent while he slept. It was something that Cas enjoyed seeing. In fact he had spied in on the hunter sleeping a few times. "Step one is admitting that you have a problem." Satan exclaimed from the table. Once again Cas ignored the comment. It wasn't as though he came to the motel rooms constantly. He only did it when he felt his fighting will falter. It never failed to make him feel better and gave him energy to keep fighting. Honestly Cas didn't give a damn if that made him creepy. Looking at Dean right now gave him a spark of hope.

Cas had the urge to touch the hunter, just a small ghost of a touch where his handprint use to be. He wanted to feel the bond between them. He wanted to feel that little bit of his grace that resided in Dean's soul. Cas had gone as far as lifting his hand up before he realized what he was doing. He wouldn't touch Dean. Touching the hunter would just make it that much harder to leave. Oh how Cas didn't want to leave right now. He knew it was the best option for everyone but it was so painful. The thought of never seeing Dean or Sam after this just cut at him. He was losing them all over again. Cas stood up quickly and stepped away from Dean.

The bed jostled softly and Dean's eyes snapped opened. For a second everything seemed to go in slow motion. Cas watched as those green eyes clouded by sleep looked at him. He stared at those eyes just for a moment before the panic settled in. Faster than anyone could see, Castiel cloaked himself from human sight. He should have just flown away, but something made him want to stay just for a while longer. All of that took less than two seconds, but it felt monumentally longer. "Oh you just got caught red handed being a creep, little brother." Lucifer clapped excitedly and Cas rolled his eyes. Apparently the fallen angel had the tendency to be over dramatic. Cas watched as Dean sat up quickly and looked around.

"Cas?"

Oh Father, Cas felt his knees give just a little to the sound of Dean saying his nickname. It had been so long. Sam jolted up looked towards Dean.

"What's the matter?" Sam's voice was thick with sleep as he rubbed his eyes.

Dean shook his head a little, "Nothing Sammy, I just thought I saw Cas here."

Sam frowned, "Did you have that nightmare again?" Cas felt worry and relief wash over him. Dean would probably write it off as part of his nightmare.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Dean, the nightmares have gotten worse since you visited Cas at the ward. You still won't tell me what happened." Cas frowned. It wasn't like the older hunter to keep things from the younger one.

"It was nothing Sammy let it go. I don't want to talk about it."

"Well you should! I mean I've had Lucifer running amok in my head and I can probably tell you what is going on with Cas."

"Hey those were good times Sammy!" Lucifer yelled mockingly angry from his spot on the table.

"He thought I was Lucifer!" Dean growled as he put his head in his hands. Cas felt the guilt grow in him. He should have been able to tell the difference between the real and fake Dean.

"What?" Sam looked shocked.

"Apparently Lucifer had the habit of wearing my face to torture Cas. He looked so angry and hurt Sammy. From what he said, Lucifer made Cas admit something that thought of me but, wouldn't tell me in real life. The things he said… they were pretty bad." Cas hung his head in shame. Dean had sounded so confused and lost. He had made this happen. Lucifer was laughing in the background. It only made Cas feel worse.

"Dean, look he was probably just saying those things to get the bastard to leave him alone. Cas didn't mean it. It wasn't true." Sam said standing up and putting his hand on his brother's shoulder. It made Cas want to comfort them so much.

"I don't think so Sam. It sounded pretty truthful to me."

"That's because you're a jerk."

"Bitch."

Cas needed to leave. The longer he stayed the harder this got. He couldn't back out of the plan now. It was better this way. He should just fly away right now. Instead he stared at the brothers. It physically hurt thinking that this was goodbye. He didn't want to leave them like this. He wanted to erase their worries just for one night. However he couldn't bring himself to move. He just stared. This was how he would remember them.

Sam glanced around the room and looked at the table. Cas took a deep breath, this was it. "Is that Castiel's trench coat?" The taller human asked slightly confused. Dean looked towards the table and jumped to his feet. The hunter's face looked suspicious and slightly freaked out. Cas watched as Dean and Sam ran to the table and looked down at the trench coat. Dean picked it up slowly unfurling it. The notebook fell to the floor. Sam stooped to the floor picking it up. The brothers shared a look of disbelief.

Cas forced himself to fly away. The last thing he saw was Sam opening the notebook and Dean pulling the coat closer to himself.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Sooooo... do you hate me? I kinda hate me lol. On the plus side I gave Dean some feelings! Ok so big news I want some help deciding what to do for the next chapter. Would you guys rather I keep going from Castiel's POV or would you like one chapter dedicated to Dean's POV about the notebook? I can't make up my mind about it. Review people i need some input! I love you all but please please review and tell me what you loved or hated!


	8. Dean reads the notebook

Disclaimer: I own nothing Supernatural related!

Warning: Emotional turmoil and slight reference to torture... sorry

A/N: I am soooooo sorry it took me so long to update. I just want to clarify that this will be the only Chapter that I write from Dean's POV. I just thought it was important for you guys to see how I envisioned Dean acting in this story. I love Dean and I don't want him to come off as an asshole. Also this chapter was a bitch to write! I rewrote it 7 times and i'm still not to happy with it. So i'm sorry if this is not what you were expecting. Please Review! I would love you forever!

...

Dean sat down at the table and opened the notebook that Cas had left behind. Sam had finally given it to him after three days. The younger Winchester had finished reading through it and collecting the information in it. Apparently, there was a lot of information because Sam was always typing away on his laptop while reading. The nerd would get all excited when he found new information on anything. Dean wouldn't admit it out loud, but he was happy that Cas had been able to help them. Cas being able to give information gave the Winchesters a bit of hope about the situation they were in. Still it didn't excuse the fact that the angel had disappeared off the face of the planet. Dean could remember in perfect detail the last time he had seen the angel. It was in this very room. Cas had been looking at him like he used to. The slightly creepy, soul reading, and so completely Cas stare. When Dean had met the angel's eyes, he almost sighed in relief. It was almost as if his Cas was back. The one that was his best friend, who rebelled against heaven, before all the purgatory mess happened. Dean couldn't help still feeling a little anger at the thought of Cas working with Crowley. However one second he was looking at Cas wearing a damn suit again and then he was gone. Dean wasn't too happy about losing track of the angel again. In fact for the past three days while Sam read, Dean got drunk. He wouldn't admit it but he had also prayed. Cas was gone. He had no way of checking up on him anymore. He didn't know if the angel was alive or dead. It pissed him off.

Sam had left to the bar stating that after reading the notebook he "needed a damn drink." It slightly worried Dean about what he was about to read. However Sam had made him promise to read it all. His brother had even dished out the puppy eyes. Not just the regular puppy eyes, no, Sam brought out the watery eyes with the slight pout. Dean kind of hated how he couldn't say no to that face. Still, staring at the writing in front of him, but not focusing on it, the hunter was weary. He had watched Sam get angry, turn green, look disgusted, to looking absolutely horrified, at one point he glared at himself in the mirror and then glared at Dean because of what was written. When Sammy had given the notebook to Dean all he said was, "I didn't know, God, I just didn't have a single idea." Not the most comforting words to speak, but it was Sam's tone that really got to Dean. His younger brother sounded almost distraught. Whatever was in the notebook apparently packed one hell of an emotional punch, which he wasn't looking forward to dealing with.

Sighing Dean got up grabbed a beer and sat back down. Taking the first drink he settled into reading the first page. _I deserve to be here, I know this now. Everything I had done, all the lives I had taken, and I deserve this hell. Lucifer never seems to be quiet. Today the Devil particularly focused on talking about the Winchesters. It hurt to hear their names. _Dean took a gulp of the cheap beer. Yeah, this notebook was going to suck. Sam had said that there were a few things he needed to read in it. So, he settled in and determinedly read on. He read about Cas's self-loathing and depression. He read how in Cas's head he still thought of Dean as the righteous man and worth saving despite Lucifer's remarks. Cas's thoughts about Meg made Dean laugh. The more Dean read the number of empty beer bottles grew. The notebook was a gateway into the angel's head.

Dean flinched as Lucifer made fun of Cas's scarred and tattered wings. Cas took it in stride and claimed he was proud of his wings, even if they were burnt from Hell's fire. He couldn't help feeling a little guilty that Cas had so many scars for saving Sam and himself from Hell. He didn't even know that Cas had been hurt in order to save his soul. The guilt only grew as Cas recounted his first few memories of Dean. He was a bit of a dick. Cas joked about how confused he was about Dean's attitude and how frustrating the human was. He broke out the whiskey when Cas would talk about finding his soul in Hell and how bright and pure it was. Dean actually thought he was blushing when Cas talked about their profound bond. The angel made it seem so much intimate then what it was. The whiskey kept flowing as the angel defended the Winchesters again against Lucifer about the Halloween incident. Cas wrote about how relieved he was about the town being saved. Uriel being a massive douche and how he truly started to believe in Dean after the talk they had at the playground. He never knew how much shit Cas had to deal with. He never knew how much the angel had intervened on their behalf. Dean never even guessed that the angel was having just as much trouble as he was before the apocalypse. Everything just seemed to confirm that Heaven was filled with a bunch of dicks.

Sam came stumbling in as Dean read about Lucifer's renditions of classic rock songs that apparently have been driving Cas crazy. He wasn't quite sure if he wanted to laugh or get mad at the thought of the evil son of a bitch using him yet again to torture Cas. Sam on the other hand didn't look any better than when he left. The only major difference was that his little brother was swaying on his feet. Dean watched as Sammy tripped over his over large feet and crawled to the bathroom. "Sammy, you alive in there?" Dean called out laughing. Nothing was funnier to him then his little brother drunk off his ass. "I'm never drinking again." The muffled groan came from bathroom. He heard as the shower turned on. Dean chuckled underneath his breath and turned back to the notebook.

The Devil had started to taunt Cas about Ana; specifically Dean's relationship with Ana. He could tell that Cas had been hurt by the taunts. Cas spoke about how torn he was about the orders to kill Ana. It was obvious that he didn't want too. Dean read about how close Cas once was to Ana and how he never really wanted her dead. His stomach turned uncomfortably as Cas brought up how Dean and Ana had kissed. _I constantly have wondered that maybe if I had a female vessel that Dean would have been more inclined to trust me? Maybe if I was female like Ana I could have connected better with him and prevented so much from happening. However it's also likely that I just appear untrustworthy to the Winchester no matter what I look like. _Dean wanted to throw up. He blamed it on the alcohol in his system, but the fact that Cas had pointed out how fast Dean was to trust a woman rather than him, hurt. He didn't know that Cas had perceived it like that. He hadn't known that he was constantly hurting Cas. When Ana had come back from Heaven, Cas had apparently threatened to end her as she told him her plan to _spread Sam's atoms across the universe_. Dean's heart swelled with regret. Ever since Cas had destroyed Sam's wall, he had convinced himself that Cas had never cared about Sam. Of course Cas cared for the giant, he constantly gave Dean chances to save Sam that way the angels didn't kill him.

Dean shut the notebook and fell on top of his bed. He didn't want to read anymore tonight. This just fucking sucked. He felt like a dick, a self-righteous dick. He always assumed things about the angel that were apparently completely wrong. Why didn't he ever just ask Cas questions? No, he knew the answer to that, because he was worried that he wouldn't like the answer. To be fair, Dean can safely say he doesn't like the answers, they make him feel useless. He could feel the hurt and confusion from the notebook. Dean was a horrible best friend. He had always claimed to know the angel, but in fact he didn't even know what Cas had been dealing with. Still Cas always helped him; even now the angel was trying to provide him with the answers to all types of questions. Every question about what Cas had gone through, or how he felt, even what the angel had never been told, was slowly getting answered. In a weird way Dean was actually enjoying the notebook. It showed the frail human side of Cas that he always hid away. That was the side of Cas, Dean liked the most.

Sammy walked out of the bathroom; look far more sober to Dean's disappointment. Drunken Sam was funnier than sober Sam. "You ok now Samantha?" Dean asked lightly.

The glare on his brother's face made Dean feel better "Shut up Dean. How's the notebook coming along?"

Dean was silent for a while as Sam climbed into the other bed. "I just got done with the entry about Ana."

"The first one or the second one?"

"There's a second one?"

"Yeah, it's worse than the first."

"Great. Why would Cas tell us all this and then disappear? It makes no sense."

Sam sighed and rubbed his face, "It will make sense Dean, and you just have to power through and keep reading."

"It's just going to get worse isn't it? Cas being morbid and self-loathing."

"Oh yeah, you haven't even touched how heavy this stuff gets." Sam chuckled darkly.

"Am I going to end up hating myself after this?" Dean asked jokingly.

"To be honest I kind of hate myself right now. We had every right to be mad at Cas for the Purgatory fiasco, but we honestly had no idea what was actually happening up there. Now that I do know I have to forgive him, I already have forgiven him. "Sam's voice was quiet, but it seemed like it echoed around Dean.

"I already feel like a dick about a lot of the stuff in there."

"That's because you are a dick."

"Bitch."

"Jerk." Sam replied smiling.

Dean rolled over and closed his eyes. He knew he was going to dream about Cas again tonight. Memories of Cas flew threw his mind as he drifted off to sleep. He missed the feathery bastard. Tossing and turning most the night, Dean didn't get much sleep. He kept waking up and looking for a blue eyed man. At 8:30am he gave up any pretense of sleeping and went to take a shower. The water pressure sucked, but it was hot and loosened the taunt back muscles. He thought about Cas and what the hell the angel could be doing right now; if he was alone, if he was alive, if the notebook had any actual point beyond information. Dean seriously doubted that the angel would go this far just to encode some information. So, why did he write all of this? Sam said that he would understand in the end, but that just sounded ominous and frankly Dean was tired of unhappy endings. Stepping out of the shower and drying off, Dean threw on his clothes and left the bathroom. Sam was already wake and by the looks of it hating life.

"Sammy, how's it going?"

"I will shoot you." The younger Winchester groaned and rubbed his temples.

Dean chuckled and pulled a bottle out of his bag. He tossed the pain killers at his brother, "Quit bitching."

Sam gave him a thankful smile and swallowed four pills at once. "So, we have to be out of here by noon. I was thinking that we could go to the Navajo Nation."

"And why would we go there?"

"An old friend of mine lives there and he might be able to help us with the Leviathan situation."

Dean sighed and dropped his head to his hand, "So why haven't we visited this friend of yours earlier." Looking up, he watched as Sam started to pack his clothes and weapons up. "Because Dean at the time I didn't have the info that Cas just gave us." Dean grabbed his gun and knifes and started throwing them into his bag. It was strange, he knew he had read some of the details about the Leviathans that Cas had put into the notebook, but he couldn't remember any of it. He mostly just remembered Cas's pain instead. "I'm going to guess that whatever Cas wrote is actually helpful."

Sam turned gave Dean bitchface #6, or as Dean liked to call it, _I can't believe you don't understand anything! Do you have a functional brain? _Sadly he has been on the receiving end of that look more times than he could count. "Know thy enemy." Sammy said opening the door and making a swiping motion with his arm. Dean sighed and trudged outside towards the stupid car he had to drive instead of his baby. "Anyway Samantha where are we off too?"

"Arizona. It should take us about 12 hours to get there." The younger brother rolled his eyes.

"Oh no! I am not going to sit in that pathetic excuse for a car for 12 damn hours. We'll split it 6 hours a day." Dean exclaimed shaking his head and opening the trunk. He put his bag in there, but kept the notebook under his arm.

"Fine, but I'm driving." Sam said grabbing the keys and going to the driver's side door.

"Why do you get to drive?"

"Because you are going to sit down and read the notebook." Sam said getting into the car. Dean grumbled but climbed into the passenger seat. Slouching he sighed and opened the notebook as Sam took off out of the parking lot. Hours seemed to fly by as Dean read about Cas complaining about Meg and Lucifer's weird approval of her, Cas vehemently defending the Winchesters, the angel being depressed about not hearing from them. Lucifer always seemed to focus on how horrible the Winchesters were to Castiel in order to convince him that they never cared about him. Dean just got angrier and tenser. It was one thing for him to feel that way, but having Satan point it out was just like rubbing salt into a wound. The next entry made Dean's mouth clench and throat seize. _Today was worse than usual. Lucifer must have been a particularly bad mood today. He made me relive my brothers punishing me. It has been years since it has happened, but sometimes I can still feel their blades. _Dean sat up straighter and brought the notebook closer to his face. Cas described how Zachariah had thought that Cas was becoming too sympathetic towards Dean and would punish him. The bastard would cut out some of Cas's feathers every time Dean didn't do as the angels wanted. This apparently was most of the damn time. His stomach heaved when he read about what they had done to Cas's wings after putting Chuck in the room with Lilith. When he read about Cas being forced back to Heaven, Dean stopped breathing. He had never been so happy to have killed Zachariah.

"Son of a bitch! Sammy pull over I need to get out for a moment." Dean growled as he fidgets with the seat belt and his clothes. Sam didn't ask any questions, he just nodded. As soon as the car was off the road and into the trees surrounding them, Dean jumped out of the car. It was humid outside as he paced back and forth. He wanted to punch something, or kill an evil bastard. "Dean?" Sam said quietly as he got out of the car. Whirling around Dean stared at his younger brother. Sam was looking at him with a face of sympathy. It made him angrier.

"Those dicks were torturing him!" Dean's voice came out louder than he intended. He seemed to not be able to control his voice. Sam's face softens and he swallowed heavily. "So, you're at that point."

"That entire time, he was being tortured because of me. No wonder he was a dick to us. His wings were getting mutilated. Damn it Sammy, by his own brothers." Dean's voice broke and he looked down at the ground. He heard as Sam's giant feet came closer to him. He felt as a hand grasped his shoulder. "We didn't know Dean. Cas never told us, or gave any hints about it."

Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes, "God the things they did to him during bible camp. They broke him Sammy and I was a dick to him. Why did he even help us after that?" The grip on his shoulder tightened, "You know why Dean, in fact Cas flat out said why. He never blamed us. If anything he was angry at himself for breaking and allowing Zachariah to rule over him. He helped us despite the torture because he knew that it was the right thing to do. Keep reading it all makes sense in the end."

"I just can't believe we never noticed how bad things were for Cas."

"Yeah I know. Come on we're almost at Grand Junction let's go get some food and a motel." Sam said walking back to the car. Dean nodded and followed suit. Getting in he looked at the notebook with a wave of sadness over him. He really didn't want to finish the notebook if everything just kept getting worse. They drove in silence, both Winchesters caught up in their own thoughts. Lunch was tense and quiet. Sam had found a diner, Dean was pretty sure his brother was trying to comfort him. Sadly it did kind of did. Sam didn't even bitch at him when he ordered the biggest, greasiest bacon cheeseburger and smothered fries. Dean could have guaranteed that it was orgasmic, but he didn't taste any of it. His tongue had apparently turned into cardboard. He didn't even get any pie; instead he told Sam that he just wanted to get to the motel. Sam looked at him with a mixture of pity and sympathy. It made Dean want to punch him in the face. They stopped at a store and Sam ran in for five minutes. He came out with two bags. Handing them to Dean, Sam started the car. The bags had a bottle of whiskey, scotch, and a 6 pack of beer. When Dean looked at his brother confused, Sam just shook his head and said, "You'll need them. Hell I need them too." Dean just nodded and glared at the notebook. "Is it worth reading in the end?"

Sam just nodded his head silently and pulled into the parking lot of yet another crappy motel. Dean gathered the bags while Sam paid for the room. Walking into the room, he was blinded by the bright blue wallpaper. Grumbling under his breath Dean tossed his bag on one of the beds and lay down next to it. Sam set up at desk and started up his laptop. Dean grabbed the notebook and opened it to the next entry. He cursed, it was about Cas rebelling against Heaven and getting him out of the green room. He would be the first to admit that he was an asshole to Cas that day. To be fair, he thought Cas was being an ass that day as well. However whenever Cas described the argument, it was all about conflicting emotions and confusion. _In those few minutes after Dean had told me that he wanted nothing to do with me, I was surprised to feel hurt by his words. I was an angel of the Lord, a warrior, and yet this flawed human had made me doubt everything I knew. I didn't want the apocalypse to happen. I didn't want my Father's creations to be destroyed. It had been foretold before I was even created, but still the world and humans didn't deserve this. Dean didn't deserve to fight to the death against Sam. That's when I made my decision. In the end I didn't rebel for any honorable reason, it was purely selfish. I just didn't want to lose Dean Winchester to Michael. _

The truth in Cas's words hit Dean straight in the chest. He never really comprehended the idea that Cas rebelled solely for him. Cas had said it, but Dean thought he was just being dramatic. Cas had chosen him over Heaven. It really shouldn't make him happy, but it kind of did. The next few entries weren't so bad. Lucifer was being annoying, but Cas remembered the fun he had with Sam and Dean. The problems with the cellphones, personal space issues, the den of iniquity incident, hugs from Cupid, love for hamburgers, doing shots with Ellen and Jo, every happy moment before the Michael/Lucifer showdown. Dean smiled at the memories. It was nice to think that Cas had some memories to hold on to. It made the notebook slightly more tolerable. However, the next entry had Dean grabbing the beer. It was about Cas becoming human and how painful everything was for him. How everything about his body ached with emptiness and how the pain grew with every hour he was human. Cas had never showed it, but the angel must have been in excruciating pain and Lucifer loved reliving those moments.

The entries got steadily worse. Cas reliving every time he was killed. That was painful for Dean to read, he didn't know that the angel had memories of dying. Guilt filled him as he read Cas try to defend him about almost saying yes to Michael and plotting to kill Cas. It was disturbing how much faith the angel had in him. When he read about Cas visiting him that year he was with Lisa right before he made the deal with Crowley, Dean threw the lamp. Sam looked up from his laptop and just stared at him.

"He came to see me during that year? He never said anything, he never made himself visible, if he wanted help why the hell didn't he just ask?" Dean growled.

Sam sighed and turned towards him, "You know why he didn't."

"That's a bullshit reasoning Sam! He needed help. He needed advice. Damn it Sammy he needed me. Why would he go off with that Demon?"

Dean watched as Sam stood up and grabbed two glasses. The younger Winchester opened the whiskey. He poured liberal amounts before walking over to Dean and giving him one. Dean gladly took the glass and took a drink. "Dean, I know you don't like this answer, but it's the truth. Cas was trying to think of your happiness. He knew that I had asked you to live a normal life. He didn't know I was soulless at the time, so when I didn't whisk you off to hunt he must have thought that this is what you wanted. Cas was trying to look out for you."

Dean's shoulders slumped as he took another drink. He wasn't angry, he just felt helpless and he hated feeling like this. "I know it's just that I could have stopped him Sammy. I could have called or prayed to him during that year. God knows I thought about it, but I always made up some stupid excuse not to. He was all alone and I had abandoned him." Sam sat next to him and let his knee hit against Dean's. "It wasn't your fault. Hell it wasn't Cas's fault either. If anything I blame it on Raphael and Crowley. If Raphael hadn't tried to restart the apocalypse and if Crowley hadn't been searching for Purgatory then this wouldn't had happen. You, I, and Cas were just caught in the chaos. We all were trying to make the best of the situation and we all made mistakes doing it." Dean nodded and drained the rest of his glass. He got up and went to pour himself another one. He knew that Sam was right, but that didn't make the pain go away.

Going back to the notebook, Dean steeled his nerves and feelings against it. He tried to not let his emotions show as he read about Cas going to save Sam for Dean. Cas's anger at himself for not knowing that Sam was soulless. Cas threatening Crowley against trying to hurt the Winchesters. Cas being so afraid of them finding out the truth. The self-loathing he felt for working with Crowley, for dragging Balthazar into the mess, for not being able to stop Raphael, for lying to Dean. Dean cringed as Lucifer would rub it in Cas's face that he had torn down Sam's wall and made this possible. Dean pitied Cas when he wrote about the souls taking over his body. His facade crumbled as he read about Lucifer role playing as Anna, Rachael, Balthazar, and Gabriel. God it made Dean's heart hurt. Cas was slowly breaking. The angel had been so strong to joke and hold off Lucifer's taunts, but bringing back the angels had really done a number on him.

Dean's heart broke when he read the entry about the Devil role playing him for the first time. Cas had been so happy to see him that he didn't notice that it was Lucifer until the end. The fact that Cas thought so low of himself that he believed what Devil Dean had said was horrifying. Dean read how Cas finally broke. Cas started talking to Satan because of that episode. It made something inside of Dean just shrivel. Honestly, he had forgiven Cas the moment he said sorry right before giving the souls back to Purgatory. He didn't believe Cas had to redeem himself. He had started the apocalypse, Sam released Lucifer from the cage, and Cas let loose Leviathans. He would be a hypocrite if he said he held it against Cas. Dean's chest swelled with pride as he read about Cas confronting the Devil outside. He had stood up grabbed the whiskey and poured a shot for him and Sam. Giving the shot to his brother, Dean smirked. "A true Winchester, huh?"

Sam laughed and tipped glasses with him. "Yeah definitely a Winchester, nobody else would be that self sacrificing and stupid." Dean chuckled and downed the shot. It was a happy thought. Cas is family there is no doubt about that. "I'm almost done Sammy." Sam's face went slightly guarded and he nodded. Slapping his brother's shoulder Dean went back to the notebook for the last time. He flipped the page and felt the happiness slip away from him. It was a drawing. The picture they took before trying to gank Lucifer with the colt. Cas had erased himself and drawn everyone smiling. The drawing was surrounded by the lyrics of "Tears in Heaven." Dean's throat tightened and he glanced up at Sam who was just watching him quietly. Turning the page he saw drawings of the Angels with more lyrics. Everyone looked so happy. It was everything that Cas had wanted. Everybody he cared for happy, even if it was without him. God, Dean's heart broke all over again. The angel cared so deeply for everyone. Dean's never had that kind of devotion before, not even from Sammy. It made the next page just that much worse.

The last entry was about when Dean had visited Cas at the psych ward. It was weird seeing it from another point of view. It was almost surreal and so much worse. Cas had been so proud of himself to stand up to what he thought was Lucifer. The angel had thought that Dean would have been proud of him. It was like the universe was just trying to screw with Cas. When Dean had left the room, he had only thought about how mad he was at the situation. He never was mad at Cas, but the Devil in his head. Dean freely admits that he didn't handle Cas's situation the best. In fact when Cas had said those horrible things to him, he just wanted to get away. The thought of Lucifer posing as him to hurt Cas was… well the only word he could come up with his wrong. Reading Cas's view of the moment made Dean curse himself. Of course Cas would think that Dean was mad at him, but the fact that Cas actually thought that he was a burden on the brothers hurt. Dean couldn't understand why the angel thought the world of him and Sam, but thought so little about himself. Cas didn't deserve this fate, he had saved the world again, his methods were wrong, but the angel was just trying to save as many as he could.

_Be careful; don't do anything stupid, good luck and goodbye._

Dean read the last words of the notebook and felt his heart seize. He stared at the _goodbye_ for what seemed to be forever. He finally knew what the notebook meant. He understood that it had a lot of information for them, but that wasn't the point of the notebook. It was Cas's farewell. Cas thought that he was a burden on them and didn't want to trouble them anymore, so he left. That's why he gave back the trench coat. It was a memento. Dean felt his heart start beating erratically and sweat gather on his forehead. He wasn't going to see Cas again. The angel wouldn't try and find them anymore. That's why he ignored the prayers, because he's trying not to disturb their lives anymore. Cas was gone, with no one to help him. Lucifer would keep torturing the angel within his head and every type of monster would be after him. The angel was all alone. Dean knew that he had the Leviathans to worry about and he would deal with them. However he also knew one thing for certain as he stared at Cas's last word. He looked up at Sammy and didn't bother to hide the worry and panic from his face and voice, "We have to find him, Sammy. We have to find Cas."

...

A/N: Ta-da! Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Dean Winchester. Ok so once again this chapter was really hard to write so I would love your opinions. Was Dean in character? Did he seem to emotional? It was hard to convey emotions with Dean since he usually just goes into a defensive anger, but I really wanted him to feel Cas. I love Sam too so I wanted him as supportive as he could be. Anyway next Chapter will be back to Castiel, thankfully! I think I can write Cas better than Dean lol.


	9. Lucifer batted his eyes

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing Supernatural related!

**Warning: **Guys I don't have a beta so I promise there will be mistakes. I apologize for them in advance.

**A/N: **So… Did you miss me? I'm so sorry about the long wait to update. My laptop completely crashed and I lost everything. It made me cry. So this is another take on chapter nine. I liked my other one better but this one is all right. I believe it gives Cas more personality and strength. However I still absolutely hate this chapter. It's mostly a filler and I apologize for that. Please review and tell me what you think. I promise it won't take me as long to update next time. Also Chapter 10 is going to be so much fun, I can't wait to upload it. Also I love my readers, that is all.

Castiel was in hell. Well that was a gross over statement, but he felt as though this was hell. Two months, sixty long days' worth of anguish and guilt pounding inside of him. He was so sure that giving the boys the notebook would give him some peace of mind however it had done the opposite. If anything his mind has been even more clouded and obscure. When he was stuck in the psych ward he thought about all of his past faults and mistakes. Now however, all his thoughts were of the Winchesters. He wondered how they reacted to what he wrote. Were they angry? Were they upset? Did they even care at all?

Sam would care. The younger Winchester was always more sympathetic and understanding. It was his greatest attribute. Dean however was a bit of a wild card. The angel had no idea to how Dean would react to the notebook or if he even read the notebook. Castiel hoped Dean would read it. He wished he was strong enough to have stayed and watch them read, but he had to go. Leaving was the correct thing to do; at least that's what he thought at the time. The Winchesters needed to stop worrying about him and focus on the Leviathans. If he had stayed they would continue to fret over him. Leaving was good, leaving was right, leaving sucked. Castiel thought he was going through Separation Anxiety Disorder. This was utterly stupid because it wasn't as if he had seen a lot of the Winchesters anyway.

However, he couldn't deny that the longer he was away from the boys the more depressed he became. Two months and he was having problems finding the energy to go out and hunt and research. Going out into the world, being surrounded by faceless humans, it was hard. These were the creations he was trying to save. Humans with their emotions and free will, they were beautiful and flawed. Every single one of them reminded him somehow of Dean and Sam. A man wearing a leather jacket, tall men, floppy brown hair, short brown hair with a touch of gold, flannel shirts, rock shirts, everything could be related back to the boys. It hurt. It felt as though someone had stabbed him in the stomach each time he remembered them. All the little reminders just made him want to go back even more.

Castiel sighed and stretched out. The motel bed was hard and lumpy underneath him and he couldn't quite understand how Sam and Dean slept in these rooms all the time. He didn't need the room, but it was nice to have a place to come back after everything. He needed somewhat of a base to do research in and well he had nowhere else to go. So motel rooms filled with stolen books and scrolls from libraries and churches. He had enough books and scrolls over lore that would have made Bobby green with envy. They hadn't helped a lot but having them soothed Castiel's nerves. Some days he would be so engrossed in religious text, he could practically hear Dean reprimand him and call him a Nerd Angel.

He never stayed in one place too long, three days at the most. It was just long enough to investigate the town and get out before anyone asked him any questions. Tracking the Leviathans was much easier than Castiel had expected. The leader, who was wearing Dick Roman's face, was always on the television. He knew the Leviathan in an instant. It made his chest hurt with the memory of all those monsters clawing out of his body. That death was the most painful and he could recount every single second of it. So of course he knew exactly who Dick Roman was, the problem was figuring out what Dick was doing. That task seemed to have a lot of bumps in the road. The biggest problem was that he didn't know how to kill Leviathans. Castiel knew that keeping the head separate from the body was a temporary fix. He found that out the hard way. However a definite way to kill Dick eluded him. It was frustrating. He felt as though he was doing nothing to help Sam and Dean.

Castiel stretched out his wings. He needed to fly for a while and clear his mind. Soaring out of the motel room and into the night sky, he flew higher and higher. Flying was the only time he felt at peace anymore, even with Lucifer tagging along. Speaking of the Devil, Castiel turned his head to see his brother appear next to him. Lucifer always appeared whenever he flew. He was beginning to think that the fallen angel missed being able to fly. "You know flying away isn't going to solve your problems. One it's cowardly and two your problems are way too fucked to be fixed that easily." Satan said smirking.

Castiel rolled his eyes and focused on the wind, "I'm not flying away. I'm clearing my head so that I can better assess the problem to find a solution."

"I wasn't speaking of this flight brother."

"I do not know what you mean then." Castiel replied avoiding eye contact and ignoring the drop in his stomach. "Oh please little brother, you are flat out running away from the Winchesters. More specifically you are running away from Dean Winchester." Lucifer snapped cutting him off. Castiel stared at his corrupted brother in front of him. Huge red wings blocked his way from escaping and he desperately wanted to escape. He didn't want to talk about this least of all with someone like Lucifer. He didn't even really want to think about this subject.

"I get it Cassie. You don't want to face the wrath that is Dean's temper. You don't want to face them after you savagely betrayed them and effectively let loose a bunch of extremely strong man eating monsters."

"I did face them." Cas said quietly more to himself than to Lucifer. "You did not! You hid behind the insanity excuse and wrote a damn notebook. You didn't even give them the notebook in person; you cloaked yourself and stared at them from afar like some creeper. Then you ran away under the pretense that it was for their own good. Poor freaking baby. Why are you so afraid of some stupid, weak human?" Lucifer threw his hands in the air and rolled his eyes. It was such a simple question, but Castiel was stumped. Was he afraid of Dean? Was he running away from the Winchesters? That couldn't be right. He wanted to see the boys; he wanted to talk and laugh with them again.

"I'm not running away. I want to see them more than ever, most of the time I'd rather be with them." Castiel snapped at his older brother. Lucifer laughed, "Then what's really stopping you?"

"You! You're stopping me! You're not even real. I'm talking to a memory of Sam Winchester's nightmares in the sky, above a city full of people who might or might not get eaten soon. It might not be the best idea for me to be around when they need to focus. I can't even focus because of you half the time." It actually surprised Cas to how tired he sounded. He wasn't even angry. He was just so tired of being angry at Lucifer and himself. "Excuses, that's all you have. You're just scared that they will turn you out and you will truly be alone. You left them before they could leave you, like a damn coward. Father would be so disappointed. Is that how a warrior of Heaven is supposed to act?" The devil drawled flying down towards the city.

Despite everything Cas finds himself following Lucifer. He blames it on curiosity. He seems to grow more and more curious the more time he spends with Sam and Dean. He follows behind the Devil as he drops off on a roof. "You can't say anything about how an angel is supposed to act. You are the original fallen." Castiel says as he lands. Lucifer laughs, "Even I am more of an angel than you are Castiel." Cas flinched back then straightened his back. It hurt but, there was some truth in the statement. He didn't even feel like an angel anymore. The angel that met Dean in the barn so many years ago was gone. He couldn't turn back into that perfect little soldier. He didn't know whether to be happy or sad about that. It was complicated. He wanted to go back to the simple times. A time when his decisions didn't mean saving the world just to have it destroyed by Purgatory's rejects.

"You've never thought rationally about the Winchesters. It's always impulsive or emotional." Lucifer said standing in front of him. "I learned it from them." Castiel shrugged. "Oh yes because learning to think for yourself with the martyr twins as mentors was a good idea. Dean sacrifices himself for his brother and ends up starting a battle for earth, so you sacrifice yourself for them and start a civil war in Heaven for earth. Sam trusted a demon to save his brother and released me from my cage then you trusted the King of Hell to save the Winchesters and released Leviathans from Purgatory. Is it just me or is there a pattern here?"

"I hate you."

"You say the sweetest things." Lucifer batted his eyes at him and Castiel had the strangest urge to take a shower. Sadly not even Satan's bickering couldn't distract him enough from the issue at hand. Should he try to find the boys and help? Would the boys want his help? What should he do? Question upon question piled into Cas's head and he had no answers. Unfortunately it was a state of mind he was use to at this point.

"I don't understand why you are even going to contemplate about this; even I know what you are going to do. You, little brother, are going to fly off to the Winchesters, act all pitiful until they agree to let you help." Lucifer drawled. "What I don't understand is why you seem to want me to go to the Winchesters? Shouldn't you want me to be alone and miserable for the rest of eternity?" Castiel snapped back, pacing the room. He watched as his older brother sighed and stretched. "Oh believe me, you alone and miserable is one of my top ten things I want."

"Yeah, along with the destruction of humans and the obedience of angels."

"You make that sound like a bad thing. Anyway do both of us a favor and go fly off to the Winchesters and let them kill any hope you have left." Lucifer exclaimed throwing his hands in the air. Castiel narrowed his eyes. He was tired of this. He was tired of Lucifer. Clenching his fists and straightening his shoulders back, he faced off to the Devil. "Shut up and go away."

Lucifer laughed, "Do you think that will work on me? You've been telling me to go away for months now."

"I'm stronger now and you have no real power over me. You aren't even real. So leave me alone Lucifer." Castiel said turning away to look up at the moon. It was true, his mind felt stronger than it had in months. He was at least in essence still an angel and it would take a lot more than a hallucination to bring him down. That's all Lucifer was a mere creation of the mind, something that could easily be dealt with. After months of mental and emotional abuse, Cas was done with it. He was done with letting the fake Devil screw with his mind. It was messed up enough as it is and didn't need any more help.

"You need me Cassie. You need me to hide behind so you don't have to see Dean." Lucifer spat out, glaring at him. Castiel sighed, "I may be running from Dean but I'm not running from you anymore. You are nothing more than echo from Sam's mind feeding off my guilt. So once and for all go away."

"You'll regret this little brother. You ne-"

"Shut up and leave you dick." Castiel snapped whirling back around. Lucifer wasn't there. There was no one else on the roof with him. Cas began to smile, he was free. The Devil was gone. He was completely alone. Cas felt his good mood stall and his smile slip off his face. He was actually alone now.

Two weeks later and there was still no sign of Lucifer. Castiel was ashamed to admit it, but he somewhat missed talking to someone. Everything was so much quieter now. The guilt, self-loathing, emotional damage and shame didn't go away either. In fact he was still avoiding the Winchesters. Still he wasn't quite insane, so there was a little progress. Turning his back on thoughts about Lucifer, Cas took a deep breath. The night air was actually rather disgusting, filled with car exhaust and dirty secrets. It never ceased to amaze him how many sinners there were in the human society. However there was something else, a deep musk that seemed familiar. His head snapped up as he drifted towards the familiar scent. Sam and Dean, not powerful enough to be the Winchesters, but perhaps someone who's had contact with the boys. Castiel followed the smell to a bus station. Sitting on a bench was a woman with bright red hair. For a second Cas felt his heart seize and thought of Ana. Of course it wasn't her, but just for a moment his eyes were deceived. She had headphones on and a laptop out. Her arm was in a sling and she looked tired. He kept himself cloaked as he looked over the stranger. She looked so tired and pale. She had definitely been in close contact as the boys, no more than two days ago.

Castiel reached a hand out towards the girls head. For a moment he thought about taking the girl away so he could ask her some questions. The angel shook his head and rolled his eyes. As if he would kidnap a random woman in the middle of a bus station. Besides she probably went through enough being with Sam and Dean. Gently he touched her forehead and searched her mind. Reading her mind wasn't the most polite way of doing things, but she would never know. Still he felt a little bad for invading her privacy like this. Cas ignored the feeling of guilt as his mind filled with memories. The girl's name was Charlie and she use to work for Dick Roman's company.

Flashes passed through his mind: Meeting Dick, hacking into something, reading about Leviathans, seeing her boss get eaten, meeting Sam and Dean. He saw her hack into Dick's email and provide the boys with some insight. Cas felt Charlie's emotions as she came to grips about her life getting thrown into an upheaval. He shared her awkwardness as Dean talked her through flirting with the guard. Her fear when she was almost caught in Dick's office. The overwhelming terror when Dick had her locked in the building. Relief gripped her as Sam and Dean showed up and dragged her away and for a brief moment pride because she helped the boys get whatever Dick wanted. Castiel staggered away from her and took a moment to grasp all of it. Charlie had risked her life to help the boys and was now on the run so the Leviathans couldn't find her.

He looked at the small human in front of him with a burst of gratitude. She was so small and fragile. Her life is not of much importance, but just for a moment she may have helped save everyone. It was amazing to Cas. One average human could change the entire outlook of the world. It really shouldn't surprise him so much. He had been on earth for thousands of years, yet humans never ceased to amaze him. Turning away from Charlie, Cas left the bus station. He flew back to the motel room with his mind racing. Sam and Dean took a package that Dick wanted, which meant the boys were in danger. Well to be fair when weren't in trouble, but Dick would definitely want whatever was in the package back. So the boys are probably trying to find a secure place to open and figure out what it was. He had to think this through, he had to plan, he had to stop thinking about the damn Winchesters and think rationally.

Castiel almost laughed. He really never thought rationally when it came to the Winchesters, especially when it came to Dean. What was in the package they got? Was it important or dangerous? Then again when weren't the Winchester in some kind of danger? It was kind of their state of being, always in some sort of trouble. So the real question was would he go back and help them? Could he do it? Yes! Well maybe, they might not even need Cas's help. Then he would just look like a fool. He already said goodbye to them. Castiel sighed, if he went back it would be just that much harder to say goodbye again. Then again he could look on the bright side and perhaps he wouldn't live through fighting the Leviathans. It's a reasonable thought because more often than not the Winchester's plans always seemed a bit suicidal.

Cas put his head in hands; suicidal plans didn't worry him too much. After dying three times the fear of death becomes somewhat obsolete. When life seems to be nothing more than feeling guilty and lonely, death is a blessing. Of course he wasn't purposely going to try and gank himself. While his life isn't of importance the lives of his friends were and if Castiel could prevent their death in any way he would do it. That is once he manages to swallow his shame and go back to them. This poses a different problem all together. How on earth is he supposed to find them?

Dean stopped praying for him weeks ago. Cas missed the prayers, even if they were blasphemous and slightly threatening. Ok well slightly was an understatement. After Cas had dropped off the notebook, Dean's prayers were mostly insults mixed with threats. They made him smile. It showed that Dean still cared at least a little. Then again there was always the possibility that the hunter was going to go through with the threats, but at least he had prayed for the angel. Lucifer had particularly enjoyed the prayers.

A sudden burst of energy ran through Castiel and he jumped in surprise.

What the hell? Another pulse of energy racked through his body. They kept coming one right after another. It was like someone was hammering energy into him. The last pulse was the largest and longest, Castiel could feel it in his cells it was so strong. His teeth chattered and his head pounded with the power. At the end of it Cas crumpled to the ground and held his head. Images passed through his head. Old thoughts from before the earth filed through his mind. He saw his brother Metatron, the list of prophets, and writing. Oh no this wasn't good.

Castiel stood up and shook his head. This was definitely not good. The word of God was found and opened. The sinking feeling in his stomach told him that this is what Dick was looking for. This meant that the Winchesters opened the word of God. Angels were probably going to go look for it. The Leviathans are already looking for it and a prophet is drawn to it. Winchesters + prophet+ angels+ Leviathans= One immensely large headache+ lots of trouble. He needed to breathe and think of his next move. He needed to be strategic and smart about this or he would just end up useless and dead. Castiel needed to find the best course of action.

Cas smirked and took flight. All doubts and personal fears were erased as he flew higher. None of his worries mattered anymore. He was going to help Sam and Dean whether they liked it or not.

**A/N:** Sorry this chapter was so short, but I promise the next one will be highly more entertaining. I love self-doubting Cas. I think the stronger his mind gets the more questions he has. I also like to think it shows how much more human he has become. Not going to lie the last three episodes of season seven threw me for a loop. There will be mentions of some of the stuff but I'm also changing a lot as well. I'm actually sad to see Lucifer go but don't think for one second that this means Cas is a lot better. Next chapter Cas is going to really show how messed up he is muhahaha. Reviews= Love


	10. Their poetry was amazing

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Supernatural related though some days I wish I did.**

**Warning: This is based off of 7x21 Reading is Fundamental. **

**A/N: Ok so I'm sorry for the long wait, I've just been really busy lately. Anyways I loved episodes 7x21 and 7x23. They had a lot of quotes I wanted to incorporate and I'm still going somewhat along with the show's plotline. There are some major differences of course but I hope you enjoy the quotes I used. Please please please review and tell me how you like it. I love you all.**

Sixteen hours and Castiel had done nothing but fly around aimlessly looking for the Winchesters. However it seems as though if the Winchesters want to hide, they stay hidden. It almost made Cas want to laugh; they couldn't have done this at a worst time as usual. Those hunters live to make him go on a wild goose chase for them. It was exhausting. Sixteen hours of rushed, panicked flying and he literally had nothing to show for it. Sighing Castiel touched down at Rufus's cabin and of course they weren't here either. Although from the look the cabin they had been there somewhat recently. It was a step closer to Sam and Dean but still disheartening. He had to find them. They were going to get smote by a garrison of angels if he didn't.

That just couldn't happen. Castiel had to prevent that at all costs. It wasn't as if he hadn't died for Sam and Dean before. He felt start to pound as his panic began to set in. He couldn't leave the hunters to deal with angels by himself. Sam and Dean are notorious for pissing off every angel they come across. Looking back at the cabin, Cas went inside. The place was messy; random papers were spread everywhere, empty beer bottles on the counters, and fast food wrappers on the table. He looked around until he found what he needed. A half empty pail of black paint and a worse for wear paintbrush. It wasn't perfect but it would have to do. For the next five minutes, Cas took the paint and updated all the wards on the house. He corrected quite a few of them. It almost made him laugh; he really needed to teach Sam the correct way to scroll wards.

Painting the wards calmed Cas's nerves just a little and allowed him to refocus. Now once he found the Winchesters and the Word of God, he could take them here to hide. It wouldn't keep the angels out for long, but it would make it harder for the angels to find them. It would allow them the chance to plan. Not that their plans were very great to begin with, but it would be better than nothing. Hopefully.

Still there was no trace of the boys. Castiel was torn between being impressed or just angry. He's looked for them in all their normal rest havens. He's gone to cities where there were demonic omens. Hell he's even tried tracking them through the Leviathans, but it was obvious that the water dwelling monsters had no idea where Sam and Dean were anyway. It was maddening and counterproductive. It was time to change strategies. If he couldn't find the Winchesters then he was just going to find someone who could find them regardless. He banged his head against the front door. How could he be so stupid? Why is it that he always realizes important things too late? The prophet would be attracted to the Word of God and would eventually find the boys. Castiel needed to find the prophet.

It was at that moment that Castiel felt his nerves stand on end. Oh this was not good. The prophet had connected with the Word. The prophet beat him to the Winchesters. There was a huge aura coming off of them now. On the plus side he now knew where the boys were, on the downside so did every other angel. Son of a bitch. Castiel needed to go and now. He had to go protect the boys from his brothers and sisters. However despite knowing what was at stake, Cas remained frozen in his spot. The Winchesters would no doubt talk themselves into a smiting and yet he didn't even move his wings. Kicking the wall, Cas grabbed at his hair trying desperately to get himself grounded. Now was not the time to freeze.

Sighing he stretched out his wings and took flight. He flew faster than he ever had towards the resonating pull in his grace. This was it; he was finally going to see Sam and Dean again. After months of avoiding them, he was now racing towards them. Cas felt his left hand begin to tremble. He looked down to watch the rebellious limb shake and frowned. Quickly he made a fist and shoved it into his pocket. Now was not the time to spaz out. He had to save the Winchesters. Funny how that had become his mission in life for the past five years.

Castiel touched down outside an old, broken house in the middle of nowhere. It was an ideal place to hide in plain sight, set off of the highway with trees and grass surrounding it. Not exactly hidden, just merely unnoticed. He watched as some shadows moved around in the front room of the house. Two shadows were noticeably bigger than the third and Castiel refrained from sighing in relief. Sam and Dean were still alive… and in a room with two angels and a prophet from what he could tell. This would surely end badly if he didn't intercede. Keeping himself cloaked from everyone, he made his way into the house. In the bleak and dark hallway, Cas looked into the room. A young human was pressed against the farthest wall clutching a duffle bag to his chest. The young man's eyes were wide as he shook his head vigorously. The two angels were standing with their backs to Cas. He felt his stomach drop as he recognized the angels, Hester and Inias. They were from his old garrison. He used to be their commander. They used to trust in him.

Sam and Dean were of course standing in between the Angels and the prophet, because naturally that was the most dangerous place to be at the moment. Flashes of memories passed through Cas's mind as he froze staring at the scene before him. He remembered Sam and Dean standing between him and Uriel from Ana. The visions overlapped each other in a strange mix of things. He couldn't breathe, he felt stuck in the memory and the present. He looked at Sam, who looked vastly improved since the last time he saw him, but now seemed so much more worn and tired. There was no look of hope left in the taller Winchester, just calculation and worry. Cas felt his chest seize as he looked at Dean. The eldest Winchester looked pissed off and slightly worried. The once bright green eyes had turned dull and looked aged beyond his years. Dean looked more stressed than when Cas had pulled him out of hell.

"Step away from the Prophet." Hester's voice cut through the air. Castiel shook his head as if awakening from a dream.

"Wait are you talking about him?" Dean question incredulously, pointing at the young human behind him. Sam turned to the Prophet in question, "Hold on, Kevin you're a Prophet?" Kevin shook his head even more furiously. It was obvious that none of the humans in the room had any idea what was happening. Castiel took the moment of confusion to grab his knife and bring it to his forearm. With the blade barely touching him, he looked back at Dean. His hand holding the blade began to shake. This was supposed to be simple. Just a quick cut to use his blood. He had to do this, before Hester and Inias realize he is there. Still his hand shook. This was incomprehensible. Why was he so nervous about cutting his arm? He's done it many times since meeting the Winchesters. Cas bit his bottom lip and drew the blade down his arm. He watched as his blood seeped out of his wound.

With his hand still shaking, Castiel uncloaked himself and took his blood to the wall right by the room. Quickly he drew the banishing symbol on the dirty broken wall. A furtive glance into the room, he noticed that they had yet to see him. Taking a deep breath Cas slammed his bloodied hand on to the sigil. Two startled yells rang out as the house lit up with a bright flash. Hester and Inias got thrown out of the house and he stepped into the room. He watched as the humans looked around in confusion, until those green eyes fell onto him. Just for a moment Cas stared at Dean and Dean stared right back at him.

"Cas?"

Castiel grabbed his left wrist to keep the hand from trembling yet again. "Hello, Dean. Sam."

"Hey, Castiel." Sam said letting out a sigh in what Cas assumed to be relief. Dean took a step forward as his face clouded with anger, "What the hell, man?" Castiel flinched and focused on a spot on the wall behind the Winchesters. "We have to leave. Hester and Inias won't be gone for long."

"First I want some answers. Why are the angels pissed off at us again? Is Kevin a prophet? What the hell is the big deal about that tablet we stole from Dick?" Dean snapped taking another step towards him. Cas forced himself to look at Dean again and tightened his grip on his wrist. Sighing out loud he said, "We don't have time for this. We have to get to a safer place to discuss these matters." Dean opened his mouth in outrage, as Sam took a step forward and placed his hand on his brother's shoulder. "Where should we go that's safer?" Sam said calmly.

Castiel almost sighed in relief that at least one of the Winchesters could think about the situation lightly. "Go to Rufus's cabin it's only about an hour away. I updated the wards so Angels will have a harder time tracking Kevin there. Don't let Kevin out of your sight. I'll meet you back there shortly"

Sam nodded and went to pack quickly. Dean on the other hand clenched his jaw and whirled away from Cas. The hunter grabbed Kevin's arm and hauled up the young man who was bumbling and freaking out. They walked out the back door to where Cas assumed the car was waiting. Sam nodded at Cas and made his way outside as well. Castiel waited until he heard the car start and speed off. His whole body began to shake uncontrollably as he fell to his knees. Without Lucifer there to distract him from his responses to the Winchesters, everything felt so much worse. All of the feelings he was trying to suppress hit him full force. The fear, guilt, and shame had him literally shaking in front of the boys. His hurt and pain had him freeze in high pressure situations. This was not good. Cas could only hope that it was a onetime effect from confronting Sam and Dean face to face.

Castiel grabbed at his he trying to force away any memory that surfaced. He took a few deep breaths trying to calm down and get back in control of himself. He was really starting to miss Lucifer and he despised himself for becoming that weak. Stumbling to his feet, Cas collected himself and took flight. Landing on the porch of the cabin, he was shocked to see the boy's car parked out front. He didn't think he had spent that long trying to stabilize himself. Then again human's concept of time was often lost to angels. Or there was a higher probability that Dean sped over here. Cas was going with the latter explanation. Walking up to the front door he let himself into the cabin. Upon his entrance he was greeted by two ends of guns. Ignoring the guns since it was a common occurrence Castiel kept walking until he was at the chair and sat down.

"Cas man we need some answers." Dean said putting his gun down. Cas had to refrain himself from rolling his eyes, didn't they always need answers from him. Was it so hard to say hello for once? Maybe Dean thought he didn't deserve any common courteously. Maybe the notebook made Dean hate Cas for his weakness even more. It was a reasonable thought. Sighing he rubbed his eyes, "Well then what are your questions?"

"What is the tablet thing we stole from Dick?" Sam said quickly.

"The word of God, written by the Metatron."

"Are you kidding? What the hell does Transformers have to do with this?" The tall human looked baffled.

Cas felt his head tilt, "I don't understand that reference."

"He's not talking about Transformers Sammy. He said Metatron, not Megatron." Dean rolled his eyes.

"What?" Sam asked. Castiel was likewise confused, partially to the topic they were on and how they got to this subject.

"Megatron is from Transformers. I don't even know what Metatron is."

Castiel sighed, "If anyone was going to free the Word from the vault in Earth, it would be you two." The Winchesters had a moment of trying to look either proud or offended.

"Metatron is an archangel. He is one of the oldest and wises angel. He was also said to be very close to God and even wrote God's will into stone. That's what that young man behind you is holding onto." Castiel replied acknowledging Kevin. The prophet looked pale and shaken. The angel heard as Dean mumbled under his breath, "Great more dicks with wings."

"Right about that, is Kevin really a prophet?" Sam said taking a step closer to the boy. Cas felt his heart warm, Sam has always tried to protect the weak expect of course when he was soulless, but that wasn't the hunter's fault. "Yes he is."

"What's up with the Angel Patrol trying to smite us?" Dean snapped taking a step towards Castiel. Cas tensed at the anger in his voice. His left hand started to tremble again. He couldn't even help the next words out of his mouth. "Are you angry? Why are you angry?" He just wanted to understand. He didn't want Dean to be mad at him anymore. He was trying to make amends, not to anger the older Winchester.

Cas watched as Dean's eyes widen just a bit and his body tensed, "I'm not- I'm not angry Cas. I'm just worried." The angel relaxed just a little and swore he saw Sam smirk a little in the background. "Oh, there's no reason to be angry. They were just following protocol. It is written that when the Word of God is revealed, a keeper of the word will appear. Garrison code dictates that they will take the keeper to the desert to learn the Word away from man."

"Well that doesn't make any sense. We need to know what's on the stone to counter out whatever Dick wanted with it." Dean said grabbing a beer.

"I can't be a prophet. I'm applying to Princeton soon!" Kevin suddenly spoke sounding frantic.

Cas sighed; humans could be so self-involved at times. "Try to read the stone."

Everyone turned to watch Kevin focus down onto the tablet. "I can't see it that well. It's like looking through double vision. I think it says something about Leviathans."

Sam stepped beside Kevin looking far more excited. "It's about the Leviathans? Does it say anything about how to kill them?"

"I don't know it's hard to make out. Wait, they're real?" Kevin said jumping off the couch. Dean chuckled darkly, "Oh yeah and they love the way we humans taste. The problem is we don't know how to kill the bastards and believe me we've tried."

"I think I'm going to be sick." Kevin said as he ran off to the bathroom. Sam rolled his eyes at his brother, "Way to not freak him out Dean."

"What I was just telling him the truth." Dean said shrugging.

"If you want the Word then you have to duck Hester and her soldiers long enough for Kevin to write everything down." Castiel said quietly.

"Well we have you in are corner right Cas?" Sam said looking between Dean and Cas. Cas looked at Dean who was pointedly looking away from him. Sighing Cas said, "I will not be much use, but I will be here."

They put Kevin in the basement where the wards were much stronger. It also only had one entrance so the prophet couldn't escape without their knowledge. Kevin didn't seem too happy about the situation however Cas didn't think anyone was. Hours passed in silence. Sam was on his laptop researching. Dean was methodically cleaning his weapons and Cas, well Cas was staring outside the window and furtively glancing at the oldest Winchester. Every once and a while Cas's left hand would tremble slightly, but he kept it hidden from Sam and Dean. Dean hadn't spoken much to him after putting Kevin in the basement. Hell Dean hardly even looked at him. The eldest Winchester seemed fine with ignoring the angel's existence. It made the tension in the room thicken as time went by.

As more time passed everyone became more and more on edge. The wards could completely conceal the prophet and the limited time they had was slowly running out. In fact Cas was slightly surprised that they hadn't been found yet. He was not looking forward to talking and possibly fighting his brothers and sisters again. His left hand gave a feeble shake and he caught himself looking at it. He wasn't even quite sure that he could kill another angel again. That made him into a liability, which slightly pissed him off; he didn't want to endanger the Winchesters even more. He would gladly sacrifice himself if that is what it came down too.

Castiel felt a presence outside the cabin. He went to stand in front of the couch where Dean was sitting and faced the door. The hunters looked at him quizzically and looked at the door. They slowly stood up and faced the door as well. There was a paused of complete silence before the door busted open and in walked Hester and Inias. The angels full on stopped at the sight of Castiel in shock. "Castiel, you're alive?" Hester asked incredulously. Inias on the other took a step towards him with a small smile. "It is good to see you brother." Cas nodded at the two angels, "Hello Hester and Inias, it has been awhile."

Hester seemed to shake herself out of her shock at the sound of his voice. She looked at him and then at the Winchesters and her face darkened. "You stole the prophet from us!" She exclaimed walking forward.

Cas really couldn't say no considering that he kind of did. However he was at a loss of what to say to make it better. "I'm sorry?"

Hester's face was one of pure hate and pain. It hurt Castiel inside to know that he was the one to put that look on his sister's face. "You show up out of nowhere, claim you are the new God, and then kill hundreds of our brothers and sisters. Then you disappeared and no one knew where you were. We couldn't sense you at all. We thought you were dead. You have fallen in every way imaginable."

Cas flinched at the accusation. It was harsh but true. He was a fallen angel, who chose humans over his own brothers and sisters. Inias spoke up, "Castiel please allow us to do our job." His brother looked torn and it was obvious that he didn't want things to come to violence.

"Hey, hey wait a minute. We just need a little more time to let Kevin translate the Word." Dean's voice cut through the air. Cas had to refrain from sighing. Dean just painted a huge target on himself yet again.

"Enough of this, we're taking the prophet to the desert now." Hester said snapping her fingers. Another angel showed up in the living room holding onto a very frightened Kevin.

Dean took a step towards Hester while Sam took a step towards Kevin. "We're trying to clean up the mess an angel made." The eldest hunter growled. Castiel ignored as his hand started trembling and tried to ignore the pain that flared through him. "It's true an angel did release the Leviathans and they did beg him not too." Cas said attempting to keep the hurt out of his voice.

"Please just a little more time. We will keep the prophet safe here and then you can whisk him off wherever you want." Dean asked as nicely as he could.

Hester's face twisted with a deep hatred as she turned her eyes upon Dean. "Why should we give you anything? After everything you have taken from us. You are the reason all of this has happened. The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was lost and for that you must pay." Castiel averted his eyes from looking at the Winchester. Most of the angels thought as Hester did. That it was Dean's fault Cas turned into what he is now. Cas could even understand why they thought that. Dean did play a major role in Cas's transformation, but Castiel was the one who allowed it to happen.

Hester was making her way towards Dean to no doubt smite him. Even if Dean had a death wish, Cas was not just stand by and watch the human die in front of him. Castiel's squared his shoulders off and grabbed his arm to keep it from shaking again. Hester was two steps away from Dean when Cas interceded her path. "Please Hester, the Winchesters are the humans we were supposed to protect. Do not blame them for my mistakes." He drew her attention away from Dean and made her focus on him. He kept walking until she had her back turned on Dean completely.

Hester was going to attack him. He just had this feeling that his sister was going to try and kill him. He had driven his older sister to the point of killing him. The thought that he had turned Hester into this made his heart hurt. This was his fault. She was going to kill him because he had caused so much pain and chaos in Heaven. Hester threw the first punch. Castiel saw it coming towards him but remained standing still. The punch caught him on the jaw, snapping his head to the side. It hurt, not the strongest punch he had taken but painful none the less. Another punch landed on his stomach causing him to gasp and wince. He should be fighting back. He should at least be defending himself, but for the life of him he couldn't get his arms or feet to move. It wasn't until then that Castiel realized that his whole body was shaking again. Distantly he heard Hester yelling, "No more Castiel, no more words, no more promises, no more chaos!"

Cas looked at Hester. She was throwing another punch but just for a moment her blonde hair changed into red and it was Ana throwing the punch. There was a pain in his ribs from where the blow landed. Cas fell to his knees. His nose and mouth were bleeding. Hester was standing over him holding her angel blade ready to strike. Suddenly she changed again and it was Rachel holding the blade ready to kill him. "Ana? Rachel?" Cas gasped.

Inias grabbed Hester's arm preventing her from striking. "Hester please do not kill our brother. There are so few of us left."

Hester looked over at Inias and back at Castiel who remained dazed on the floor. Hester elbowed Inias in the face throwing him back. She raised her arm once again to strike Cas down. "You wanted free will; now die with your choice." Cas watched as her arm began to swing down. He looked past her and at Dean. If he was to die again, he wanted to see Dean one last time. Those greed eyes were wide with panic and pain. Cas wanted to ask why Dean seemed so afraid? It's not as though he hadn't died for him before. He closed his eyes in preparation of the pain of the stab. Except it never came, there was nothing.

Opening his eyes again Cas looked up at Hester who was frozen in place. There was a look of pure shock on her face and the end of an angel blade sticking out of her chest. A bright light flared out of the stab and her face. Hester's body slummed to the floor empty and hollow. Cas looked at where Dean was standing with an angel blade in his hand and his best poker face on. Dean killed Hester. Dean killed Hester who was trying to kill Cas. Did this mean that Dean wanted to rescue Cas? Or did Dean just do it because she was going to take away the prophet?

Dean looked over to where Sam was holding on to Kevin and the other two angels were just staring at him. "What somebody had to do it." Dean said shrugging.

Castiel struggled to his feet. His body had stopped shaking except for his left hand. He looked over to where Inias stood. "Are you going to cause problems as well Inias?" He asked attempting to be civil despite the circumstances. "No I believe the prophet can remain here until he is done translating the Word. I believe Father would want this Leviathans killed and banished back to Purgatory." Inias shook his head.

Castiel nodded in understanding and tried to push back the guilt that arose in him. "I thank you brother."

"We will however remain here until he is done. Do not worry we will not get in your way." Inias said walking towards the kitchen to wait there with the other angel. Castiel looked at Dean who shrugged and looked at Sam. Sam nodded and quietly took Kevin back to the basement talking in hushed tones with the boy. Dean on the other hand went outside. Cas heard the car door open and the radio turn on. The sound of an acoustic guitar drifted through the silent air. He stared at the door Dean walked through in contemplation. He wanted to go outside and talk to Dean, but Dean seemed to want to be alone. Then again Dean always seemed to want to be alone. However the hunter wasn't to happy with Castiel right now, so maybe it would be for the best if he left him alone. Yes he should definitely leave Dean alone.

Sighing Cas made his way outside. He never could stay away from Dean even when the hunter hated him. Hell he erased Lisa and Ben's memories on Dean's request after Dean had left him in a ring of holy fire and were working against him. Dean being in a bad mood never really frightened Cas away and if he was honest with himself, he just wanted to be around Dean. Cas's left hand trembled yet again at the sight of Dean in the car blasting music.

"I like this song. What is it called?" Cas asked leaning against the car door.

Dean's eyes shot opened and he jumped up just a little. "Jesus Cas, I'm going to get a bell for you." Cas tilted his head in confusion. Why would he need a bell? He stared at Dean, Dean stared back and the music kept playing. Dean cleared his throat, "The name of the song is The Unforgiven by Metallica." Cas smirked slightly at the irony, of course he would like this song it suited him. The music stretched between them filling the emptiness.

"You called her Ana and Rachel. Right before Hester went to hit you, you froze and stared at her then said Ana. Hester had you on your knees about to kill you and you called her Rachel." Dean said looking out in front of him instead of at Cas. It surprised him. Cas didn't think anyone would have heard him. It all had happened so fast.

"…"

"I read the notebook Cas. I know how guilty you feel about Ana and Rachel's death. Its Sam thing isn't it? When you took on his cage match nightmares, they did this to you."

Sighing Castiel said, "Dean I know you want different answers."

"No what I want is for you to be completely honest with me. I want you to help us go after Dick. I want you to fix this. You were on the ground shaking before I stabbed Hester. You didn't even put up a fight." Dean finally looked Cas in the eyes for a stare down. Cas fought the urge to curl in on himself. Dean had noticed the shaking. This was not a good thing. Cas swallowed and decided to go with the honest answer, "I don't know how to fix this, because I don't know what's wrong with me."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Oh there is a lot wrong with you."

"What do you want me to do? Do you want another apology? Will that make things better? We can both say everything that's on our minds and what we're sorry for. Do you want to go first?" Castiel snapped back. He was just so frustrated. He just didn't know what else to do. Why did Dean have to be so difficult?

"I am not playing this game with you Cas." No of course he wasn't going too, that would mean admitting that he had some of the blame. Dean was too emotionally stunted to want some sort of apology party.

"I don't know what to do anymore."

"Well then what good are you?"

That hurt. Oh that hurt so much, because he had no real comeback for that. He was useless and helpless. So really what good was Cas to Dean now? "No good. I'm just no good to you right? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come back. You and Sam are perfectly able to handle this situation on your own. I shouldn't have presumed that I was needed. I'll go keep Kevin and Sam company and stay out of your way." Cas didn't even pause after speaking, he just flew straight into the basement where Sam and Kevin were.

He startled both human judging by how they both jumped. Kevin looked at him with wide, scared eyes. Sam just looked at him normally. Apparently Sam was growing accustomed to Cas popping out of nowhere. Kevin went back to writing out the Word. Castiel picked up a book beside Sam and flipped through it. Sam went back to his laptop but every few minutes he would look at Castiel. Every time he would look his face would show more and more worries.

After an hour of looks, Cas finally broke, "You seem troubled. Then again you are troubled a lot so I'm not quite sure if this is a new trouble or old trouble."

"I'm just wondering about you." Was the fast response.

"What about me?" It was a fair question. There was a lot of things to wonder about Cas. Hell Cas was constantly wondering about himself.

"How you're doing?" Sam said almost looking a bit guilty. Why would Sam look guilty at Castiel? The hunter had no reason to feel guilt towards him. Unless of course he is thinking about that. "You're wondering about the burden I lifted from you." Cas stated wanting some confirmation.

"I read the notebook Cas. I was done for before you took it away from me and I just want to know how you are now. Are you still seeing Lucifer?"

"No, he's gone away. I think he was just an after image of your pain that I took. He was never going to stay permanently in mine." Castiel paused and looked at the kind eyes staring at him empathetically. "You know, I was done for too. After I remembered who I was, I just was suffocating by all the guilt and pain. Then I took your pain from you and it helped. I used Lucifer to channel all these feelings of depression, anger, guilt, suicide so I could try and deal with it. Now that Lucifer is gone, I feel a little lost. He was like a buffer between me and my own emotions and now I'm by myself again."

"I know you never did anything, but try to help Cas. I realize that and I'm grateful; we're all grateful. We're going to do whatever it takes to get you better." Sam exclaimed with his eyes wide and hopeful. Cas was beginning to understand what Dean meant when he said Sam has a puppy look to him. Looking at the tall hunter all Cas wanted to do was reassure him, tell him that everything was going to be alright. That they would figure this out together. Instead all he could bring himself to say was, "I have no right to ask you or Dean for such things, but I do wish for them. Does that make me more human; hoping for something good to happen when I deserve no such thing?" The puppy look on Sam's face intensified and he clamped one of his enormous hands on Cas's shoulder.

Two hours passed in complete silence for everyone. Cas supposed everybody had a lot on their minds, but there was also this awkward tension in the air as well. It may be because the other angels upstairs with Dean. However Castiel could tell if anyone moved up there and would be able to intervene if his brothers decided to harm the Winchester. Sam on the other hand was watching Kevin write and had a sad look on his face. He must feel bad for Kevin. The child didn't ask for this, but was thrown into the world of the supernatural head first. The Winchester could most likely relate.

The door upstairs opened and footsteps echoed on the stairs. "Cas man go upstairs and talk to your angel friends they're just standing around creepily." Dean said walking down the stairs.

"They're not my friends, they are my brothers." Castiel replied automatically.

"Yeah, yeah just go, I'll keep an eye on nerd boy here."

Castiel nodded but instead of going upstairs he just merely cloaked himself. Dean wasn't the only one who didn't want to be left alone with his brothers. Going up there would just mean questions that he didn't have the answers too. Not that he ever really had any answers to begin with. So Cas just hid himself from human sight and watched the Winchesters interact with the prophet. "I can't do this anymore. I'm just a kid from Michigan; I never wanted to be the Keeper of the Word. This is all too much. I'm not prepared to factor the supernatural into my world."

"Here you go just breathe. Look, I don't know what to tell you. You've been chosen and it sucks, believe me. There's no use asking why me because the angels they don't care. Seems like they just don't have the equipment to care and when they try, it just breaks them apart."

"I just want to be the first Asian American president." Castiel rolled his eyes, because becoming President was more important than saving the human race. Humans can be so stupid. This is why he had pulled for the Neanderthals. At least their poetry was amazing.

Dean sighed, "We all want something Kevin."

There was a pause of silence as though the two humans were trying to organize their own thoughts. Kevin looked around the basement. "This place looks like a sex torture dungeon. Is it a sex torture dungeon?"

"No it's not a sex torture chamber. Now shut up and do your homework." Dean said closing his eyes.

Cas silently slipped back up stairs and away from the Winchesters and Kevin. Broken. That's what Dean thinks of him. That he is broken. Cas can't help but agree. He is broken. With everything that has happened these past few years how could he not be broken. He's a shell of the angel he used to be. His father must be so disappointed in him. He used to have such faith. He used to be called one of the most obedient angels. Now, Cas was just considered fallen and a betrayer. Hell at this point he's a shell of the friend he used to be.

Cas popped into the kitchen and sat by Inias. Inias smiled at him. Cas smiled back. He missed his old garrison and Inias although older than him, always was friendly. "I am glad you are not dead Castiel."

"I am happy to see you again, Inias. You were always a good friend to me. How is heaven?"

Inias looked away just a little, "It's getting better. It seemed to me that ever since the first seal had been broken, heaven has been chaotic. With the two different wars going on and your disappearance, everyone was at a loss of what to do."

Cas closed his eyes, "I am sorry for that."

"I do not blame you brother. We all know the truth of what happened. You stopped the war with Raphael and were taken over by the souls and Leviathans. No one would be able to reign control over all of that."

"Still what I did to our brothers, sisters, and heaven is unforgivable." Like everything else he did while working with Crowley. "Do not say that brother. To forgive is divine and we are divine creatures of our Father. Also I think heaven is changing for the better. It was as though we had to tear down every pre-existing order to rebuild it better." Castiel smiled and clamped his hand on Inias's shoulder. "Then I hope that soon heaven will be even better and greater than ever."

"I hope you will come and see it soon." Inias replied.

Cas flinched, "I do not think that is wise. Many angels may not welcome me there for some time yet. One day Inias, one day I'll return to see heaven again." Silence once again claimed the cabin. However this time is was more calming than usual.

Another hour passed quickly before steps were heard coming up from the basement. Sam, Dean, and Kevin all walked into the kitchen. Kevin was holding the Word while Sam was flipping through the notebook Kevin had written in. The other angel went over to the prophet and put his hand on the kid's shoulder. Dean went to the fridge and grabbed a beer. "These are strange times." Inias claimed beside Castiel.

"Well I think they have always been strange." Cas replied smirking.

Inias looked over at him with a sense of longing, "I wish you were coming with us."

"Oh, well I'm not part of the garrison anymore." Castiel said shaking his head. Inias nodded and turned towards the angel and the prophet. "Take the prophet back to his house. We can watch and protect him there." Inias nodded at the Winchesters, who nodded back. He sent a smile towards Cas before taking flight.

The cabin was now empty except for himself and the Winchesters. Cas was feeling more awkward than ever. He went over to where they were looking through the notebook. Sam was reading it as fast as he was possible. "Here! Leviathans cannot be slain but with a bone of a righteous mortal washed in the three bloods of the fallen." Sam exclaimed excitedly. Castiel on the other hand felt his heart seize. Sam continued, "It says we need to start with the blood of a fallen angel."

Cas closed his eyes, smirked and shook his head. Of course they need the blood of a fallen angel. Castiel tried to appear nonchalant but inside he was throwing a fit. It was only fair that he give his blood to kill the creatures he released. Cas could feel the eyes of the Winchesters on him. They were silent. Couldn't they ask him, instead of assuming he was going to give them blood? Of course he was going to anyway but still being asked would be nice. His left arm began to tremble. Opening his eyes, Castiel grabbed an empty bottle and looked at Dean.

Dean was staring at him with an apprehensive, painful, yet a little hopeful look. It was the hopeful part that killed Cas. This news gave Dean hope and who was he to deny the hunter that. He looked into those green eyes and remembered why he fought for him in the first place. He could never deny Dean and he wasn't going to start now. Words carelessly slipped through his mouth while looking at the human, "You know me, always happy to bleed for the Winchesters."

Castiel gripped the bottle and filled it with his blood. He then stretched out his shaking arm pass Sam and held the bottle out to Dean. The eldest Winchester looked at the bottle and reached out to take it. Cas felt the hunter's fingers brush against his as he took the bottle. Dean appeared slightly upset when he looked back up at Cas. "What are you going to do Cas?"

Castiel shrugged. He had already told Dean that he would leave after the prophet was taken care of. He should probably stick to his word. Stretching out his wings Cas answered, "Well I know when I'm not wanted."

Cas took flight. He wasn't going to be far though and he will always answer them if they call. He always has and always will.

**A/N: Woot another chapter done. Next chapter will be like 7x23. I loved these episodes so I'm using some of the same plot and quotes like I did in this chapter. It won't be exactly the same but it will have similarities. BTW if you haven't listened to The Unforgiven by Metallica please do! I think it suits Castiel very well. Please review! Tell me if you liked or hated it. I love my readers!**


	11. I wish I could hate you

**Disclaimer: **I still own nothing even though I desperately wish I did.

**Warnings:** This somewhat follows the story line of 7x23. I used some quotes and it is a spoiler so don't read unless you're caught up with the show. Oh and I still don't have a beta so this isn't edited well.

**A/N: **Hello I'm back! Did you miss me? Anyway so here's chapter 11 for my faithful readers. I love you all of course. I'm actually rather happy with how this chapter came out, but the ending killed me. Ok loves so I know I've been busy and keeping you waiting, but please for the love of everything review. I live for reviews they help me get inspired to write another chapter. So please please review!

* * *

><p>Castiel flew away from the shattered remains of the house. His stomach rolled and his throat seemed to close up. He felt sick and wrong and hurt. He had to get to Rufus's cabin. He needed to see Sam and Dean. One to make sure the hunters were still breath and two because they needed to be updated on the situation. Cas hadn't seen either human since he left two weeks ago. He had even gone as far as forcing himself to stay away as they tracked an alpha. It was hard to do, but he had a feeling Dean wouldn't want him there.<p>

He landed outside the cabin and looked around. There was no sign of disturbance but that honestly didn't mean anything when it came to the Winchesters. They could be dead inside the cabin or happily eating at a diner. Walking up to the door Cas took a breath and knocked three times. It was quiet then a series of shuffles echoed through the cabin. Another moment of silence before the door opened revealing Dean.

Castiel had to fight back a sigh of relief at the sight. Dean looked a little tired and angry but lately he always looked that way so Cas wasn't worried. He walked passed Dean and into the living room of the cabin. Sam was standing by the table with the laptop opened behind him. It was good to see them okay.

"Castiel." Sam said with a smile and glance at Dean.

"Sam. Dean." The silence was deafening between the three of them. Dean gave Sam a pleading look. Sam answered back with a look that said _he was your angel first_. Cas prided himself on learning facial expressions better and decided to put them out of their misery. "No worries, I came here for a reason. I shall be fast; I know how uncomfortable my presence makes you." Again he watched as Sam threw a glare at Dean and Dean grew tense and shuffled his feet. "The prophet is missing."

"What do you mean missing? Where the hell did your brothers take him." Dean asked walking to the table and grabbing a beer.

Cas chose to ignore this interruption and keep going. "After not hearing from my brothers in weeks I went to investigate. I went to Kevin's house. It was a wreck and there was no prophet to be found."

Sam asked nervously, "Well what about the angels Cas?"

Castiel swallowed hard, and turned away towards the window. The sick feeling from before came back with more force. Images popped into his mind and made him shake his head. "Did you know that Leviathans can kill angels? It was one of the reasons my father locked them inside of purgatory. They are the piranha that would eat the entire aquarium."

"Do you mean-" Dean started.

"The entire garrison is gone. Dead. My brothers and sisters killed; even Inias." Castiel flexed his hand. He had held Inias's host body when he had found the dead angel. This was his fault yet again. He had unwittingly persuaded Inias and the garrison to not take Kevin into the desert and now they are all dead. It hurts to watch their blood stain his hands some more.

Silence fell again. Cas had a feeling he was getting looks of pity from both brothers. He refused to look them in the face. He cleared his throat, "Which means that the Leviathans have Kevin." Stating the obvious was always a good way to go when it came to the Winchesters.

Sam and Dean shared another look between them. Sam's face dawned with realization. "That means Dick knows we know how to kill him." Castiel nodded. He did not think that Dick would kill Kevin right off the bat but, he must be using the boy for some nefarious reason. Cas refused to look at Dean instead looking around the room. The cabin hadn't changed much in the two weeks he had been gone. However there seemed to be a lack of fast food wrappers around. Curious.

Cas finally looked at the table Dean was standing behind. It was set up for a summoning ritual. One that had recently been used by the look of it. Walking over to the table, he felt rather than saw Dean tense as he peered over the bowl.

"Who were you summoning?"

Dean scoffed, "Crowley the son of a bitch, we need his blood too. He stood us up though." Sam nodded along keeping his eyes on Cas. Cas on the other hand had to fight the urge to close his eyes and sigh. It was odd that for all their experience and knowledge, the Winchesters could be oblivious to how simple rituals go. "Just because he didn't show up right on time doesn't mean that won't. He can show up at any time." It was sort of an open invitation to whomever the hunter's choice to summon. Cas walked past the boys peering into the other room. There was a slight charge in the air and Cas knew they were now playing host to the King of Hell.

"Right you are feathers." Cas turned around and faced the demon. He was not afraid of Crowley. He was still technically an angel after all. However this would still be an awkward reunion of sorts.

"Crowley."

"Castiel last we spoke, well you enslaved me. I'm confused, why aren't you dead?" Crowley's face seemed to look intrigued and angry.

Crowley holds the key to killing Dick and despite everything that says contrary Cas really didn't want to screw the boys over. So when facing a Demon you once royally screwed over, it might be best to stick to truth. "I don't know."

Crowley took a step towards him, completely ignoring Sam and Dean. "Well do you want to be, because I can help with that?"

"Alright enough." Dean said with a wave of his hand. It had actually surprised Cas that he would say anything at all.

"It's enough when I say it's enough. I came here to help you. I find out you've been lying to me and harboring an angel. Not just any angel, the one angel I want most to crush between my teeth. Now Castiel what do you have to say for yourself?"

Cas refrained from rolling his eyes. When the truth doesn't work go with plan b: crazy. "Well I'm still honing my communication skills. By that I mean avoiding situations where I have to use them. I even refuse to go back to heaven even though it doesn't have insects." Cas said spouting off the first random thing that came to his mind. Crowley's pulled a disgusted face. "What are you talking about?" Cas refrained from laughing, "Preferring insects to angels, I believe. What would you like me to talk about instead? Do you wish for an apology?" The King of Hell looked at the Winchesters. Sam just stared at the opposite wall while Dean shrugged. Crowley turned back to Cas who kept a blank look on his face. "You're off your rocker. He's off he's rocker is that it?" Silence followed the statement and Crowley smirked. "Karma's a bitch isn't it?" Cas almost sighed in relief. Crazy works, crazy made it so people and demons don't take him seriously at all.

"Look, are you here to help end Dick or to donkey punch your old grudges. Pick a battle." Dean exclaimed his voice slightly more rough than before.

"Well I'm vexed I want to do both, but what fun is it to club a wet ball of fur. Text me when sparkles gets he's marbles, I suppose. Until then a present." Crowley fished a bottle out of his jacket and waved it at the boys.

"Really just like that." Sam asked suspiciously.

"Look I was just under a trap for hours with Dick and I really don't have the patience for this. Yes I have it ready, yes Dick wants me to give you the wrong blood, and no it's not the wrong blood it's mine, real deal." The King of Hell said tiredly as if this was a huge waste of time.

"And why should we trust you?" Dean asked the one question everyone was mostly likely thinking.

"Good god don't, never trust anybody. My last business partner taught me that." Crowley retorted saluting Cas with the vial of blood.

Sam shuffled uncomfortably, "Then give us the blood."

"Certainly, oh and Castiel when this Leviathan mess is over I'm coming after you. I would do it now but the boys need you to get Dick."

Cas stiffened, "I don't know what you are talking about."

"Oh come on given the particulars of your enemies, you're vital. Right then, here catch moose." The demon tossed the vial at Sam. "Thanks Crowley." The taller hunter said putting the blood with Cas's and the alpha's.

"Be seeing you boys."

Castiel just couldn't let the demon have the last word he had to say something. "Oh and Crowley, sorry I made you into my little bitch." Cas said pulling he's most innocent face he could muster. Crowley's face on the other hand turned pale and furious at the same time. There's a saying, something about poking a sleeping dog, but sometimes you just can't help it. It was worth it to see Crowley off his game just a little. The King of Hell snapped out of the cabin. Sam and Dean turned towards Cas with looks of shock on their faces. When Cas just shrugged in response they busted out laughing. He chuckled a little too, happy that he made Dean laugh. It was just more proof that the Winchesters were a bad influence on him. His hand was only barely trembling.

Castiel snapped his fingers and used his mojo to clean up the cabin. He was bored. The boys had gone to Dick's company to apparently kill him or at least get some entail. Cas had a gut feeling that they wouldn't be killing the head Leviathan tonight. However Sam and Dean have been gone for hours. Cas had enough time on his hands to collect some food for them. After being caught up in what the Winchesters had been doing without him, they told him about the poisoned food. So Cas thought he would help them with at least that predicament. It wasn't anything high class just some sandwiches, but the angel thought that Dean would appreciate the meat. At least Cas was basing this on the amount of complaining the green eyed man was doing about not having actual substance. The angel had a feeling that Sam would soon try to kill his brother if Dean won't stop whining.

The front door opened suddenly and the two humans dragged themselves into the cabin. Sam collapsed into a chair at the table while Dean landed face first on the couch. Castiel had another feeling that something might have gone wrong. "What happened?" He asked softly. Dean grunted. Sam looked at him with huge sad eyes. "We ran into a bit of a problem before we got into the building." The tall human pulled a flask out of his pocket and put it on the table. Cas could feel energy surrounding it and had an epiphany that he dearly hoped wasn't true. Instead of asking anymore questions he grabbed the two plates that held the sandwiches. "I've obtained food for you both. You need substance."

Sam looked at the plate in confusion and Dean just grunted again. "Don't worry, I went to a small farm in Nepal for the vegetables and grain and I comforted the pig before I slaughtered it for the ham. There is no Leviathan corruptness in these sandwiches." Cas said sighing. Sam took the plate with a small smile of thanks. Dean's head popped over the back of the couch at the mention of meat and looked at the sandwich as if it was the answer to all of their problems. Castiel didn't know whether to feel insulted or complimented.

Castiel stood and watched as the boys making sure that they were eating. It was a little uncomfortable watching over them again. Sam ate his sandwich slowly while he worked on his laptop. Dean on the other hand ate the sandwich like he had been starved for three days. Which if anyone had asked Dean, he would say that he had been starved. Cas smiled just a little at the older hunter's antics. The angel may have put more meat on Dean's sandwich than Sam's. It was a small gesture but Castiel hoped that it made Dean a little more happy.

A knock on the door disturbed the some what domestic feel in the cabin. Sam looked at Dean, who was looking at Cas, who was staring at the door with his head cocked to the side. He didn't think anyone was expected to come here. Sam grabbed his gun and went towards the door, Dean followed standing in front of it with his gun raised. Cas's hand began to tremble. Sam looked through the peep hole and sighed half in relief, half in frustration. The door opened and Crowley strolled in looking rather pissed off. "What the hell was that? You boys were right there! Instead you go off and carry some little cleaning lady."

"How the hell do you know about that?" Dean said lowering his gun but not loosening his grip on it.

"Please give me a little credit. You two are trying to off my competitor with a bone soaked in my blood, of course I'm keeping tabs on you. Why didn't you go kill Dick? It is about the only thing you two are useful for."

Sam cut in, "It's not that simple Crowley."

"Well then simplify it for me." The King of Hell crossed his arms expectantly with his eyebrow raised mockingly.

Dean sighed and sat down at the table. "Dick made more Dicks."

"Excuse me?"

"He must have kept a part of the original Dick Roman stashed somewhere. So now the place is crawling with Dicks." Sam added in.

Crowley rolled his eyes and looked at Cas. "Of course he did because that's what I would have done. Now Castiel why weren't you there to help out?"

Castiel froze as his trembling got worse. Crowley knew, of course he knew, the King of Hell would have been smart enough to figure this out. "I should go find some more food. Sam and Dean will need their strength."

"You've got anything to say on the topic of Dicks. Crowley is pretty sure that you can help." Dean said turning towards him with an expectant look on his face. In the background Crowley looked like he was enjoying this far too much, while Sam just looked confused.

Everybody's eyes were on him and they all wanted answers. Cas felt his heart beat speed up and his breath become harsher. He couldn't understand why he was always the one who was supposed to have an answer. "I can't help, I can't. Don't you get it, I destroyed everything and I will destroy everything again. I can't even be in the same room as you without almost having a mental and physical breakdown. I'll just get everyone killed again. Can we just leave it at that?

Dean slammed his hand on the table and looked pissed off. "No we can't just leave it at that. You let these freaking things in here."

"Dean!" Sam must have seen the look on Cas's face get darker and closed off. But that didn't stop Dean when he's angry.

"So you don't get to stand on the sidelines. You don't get to do nothing about this. No one cares that you're broken Cas! Clean up your mess." That was the truth wasn't it. The Winchesters didn't care that he was barely hanging on to sanity. They didn't care that he was trying to help them to the best of his abilities. They didn't care that he was trying to keep them alive. Why should they care? Castiel was just a fallen angel that used to be their friend. He made a mistake and even though Sam understands, Dean will never forgive him. That was so backwards and wrong. Dean won't forgive him, but expects him to do whatever he says. It's not right. It's not fair, but when has life ever been fair to Cas.

So Castiel took a step forward, just a little closer to Dean. Flashes of past fights with Dean passed through his head and his arm shook. Fighting over Ana, fighting in the pretty room, fighting in the alley way; so much yelling and pain. He wasn't even angry to be honest, just tired. He was tired of Dean being angry at him, tired of Sam's pity looks, tired of trying to do what's right, tired of existing, but most of all he was tired of feelings. He rather be dead than live in this constant state of being miserable. Death sounded so more welcoming than have his self-worth crushed by Dean constantly. Things would have been so much different if he never had gotten involved with Dean Winchester, if he had never wanted to protect the brothers so much.

Castiel looked Dean in the eyes and just stared for a moment. The green eyes were shining with anger and just a little pain and a lot of frustration. Cas didn't even bother hiding his emotions in his eyes. He wanted Dean to see them. All of the pain, sadness, and helplessness surrounded him. He felt the panic rise in him and he let the trembles take over his body again. It was too much, the memories, the feelings, and Dean. Cas wrapped his arms around himself to try and control the shaking, but it just got worse. He crashed to his knees staring into those eyes. He saw the flash of surprise and concern in them. It was just like all the other times Cas had fallen in front of Dean. It seemed to always catch Dean off guard. "You know…" Cas started, his voice was wrecked and body still shaking. "I wish I could hate you."

It wasn't until he had said the words out loud that Cas realized how true the statement was. He doesn't regret meeting Dean. He would never regret meeting Dean; hell he couldn't bring himself to regret anything he did for Dean. However, there were moments that he wished so much that he could hate Dean just a little. Cas wouldn't be suffering as much if he could just manage to hate the Winchester. Although he knew this, he just couldn't bring himself to hate Dean, because well it's Dean. The righteous man, the soul he saved from hell, the human he rebelled for, the man who once called him a friend, he couldn't hate him. However staring into those stupid green eyes and seeing the flash of anger and pain in them, Cas really did want to hate Dean.

Cas didn't even give Dean the chance to retort before he cloaked himself and flew upstairs. The bedroom was small and close enough to the stairs to still overhear everyone talking downstairs. It was ideal, so he could keep an eye on the boys. However part of him was still dying to just fly away from the Winchesters and not look back. That wasn't going to happen though. He has a responsibility to fix what he could.

He listened to the sounds below. Crowley's voice carried through the cabin. "Oh bravo Dean-o, a real bang up job in keeping your angel around. You do realize that you just scared off the empire's last hope, right?"

Dean sighed, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Really boys, did it ever occur to you that all of those things were inside of Cas. He knows them. He can see past the meat suit." Cas fought an urge to punch something. He knew that stupid demon would have figured it out by now. It wasn't as if Cas meant to keep it a secret, but even from what he saw on the television, he could see the Leviathans for what they truly looked like. He didn't tell Sam and Dean because it wasn't a situation where his skill was needed. However that seemed to also have changed in the past few hours.

Sam's voice filled the air with a sense of hope to it. "So he could see the real fake Dick Roman."

"A+ to Sam. It's too bad that Dean had to scare him off or you two might have had a chance." Crowley said then Castiel felt as the demon made his exit from the cabin.

"Son of a bitch." Dean exclaimed hitting something yet again.

It was quiet for a while before Sam said, "Maybe you should pray to him?"

"The dude doesn't even want to look at me. Why would he come back?"

"Because it's Cas and when has he ever really screw us over?" Cas felt a rush of gratitude towards the taller human. It felt so long since anyone had any faith in him.

"He helped get you to kill Lilith, starting the apocalypse." And suddenly the good feeling dropped and a sinking feeling in his gut replaced it. Everything Dean said always had a greater impact on him.

"He then rebelled and sent you to me trusting you to stop me, which didn't happen." Cas nodded it wasn't completely his fault the apocalypse began.

Dean kept going, "He left your soul in hell." Castiel winced at the harshness of Dean's voice. It was a mistake. He would have never intentionally leave Sam's soul in the cage with Lucifer.

Sam retorted, "While attempting the impossible to try and save me from the cage, then tried to find a way to restore it."

"He worked with Crowley."

Sam actually laughed a bitter laugh, "We're currently working with Crowley."

There was a pause as if Dean was staring his brother down. "He broke down your wall." The pain in Dean's voice made Castiel want to crawl into a ball and hide. It hurt him to think that he was the cause of that pain. Sam's voice was softer, "Then took crazy into himself and I can't even be mad about it. If he hadn't torn it down then it would have crumbled away and no one could have fixed me."

"He popped the lid to purgatory and set loose the Leviathans." Dean said but the fight in his voice was slowly diminishing. Cas could actually hear the frustration in Sam's voice as he said loudly, "He opened purgatory to stop Raphael from starting another apocalypse. Then when he realized what the souls were doing to him, he tried to put them all back even though he thought it would kill him. You want to know what's funny. Every reason you just brought up was Cas trying to do what he thought was right thing to do at the time."

There was another silence. Cas didn't know if he should feel bad for eavesdropping but how else would he find anything out. The hunters didn't trust him anymore. Then a sigh and Dean saying quietly, "I know Sammy."

"I know what you're doing Dean and it's not going to work." Castiel could practically feel Sam's judging gaze on him and he shivered lightly.

"Sam please just leave it, I know believe me I know. I just need a little more time." The angel was shocked to hear Dean sound so broken for a moment. It took everything he had not to go back downstairs and apologize again. He didn't want to be the reason that Dean Winchester sounded like that. However he did feel like it wasn't fair! Cas wanted to know what was going on in Dean's mind. He wanted Sam to keep bugging Dean until the elder hunter admitted everything! The taller hunter usually didn't shut up this easily. Any insight to the emotional turmoil going on in Dean's head was always appreciated. However the silence continued and Cas let out a sigh of frustration. Every time he thinks he is getting a little closer in figuring out the anomaly that is Dean Winchester, he gets thrown off course. It was upsetting. He had just spent the past few minutes listening to the man bring up everything Cas hated himself for and apparently it wasn't done out of hate. How is that even possible? This was just another reason why he hates the complexity of emotions.

It had been a few hours since the angel had hidden upstairs. The boys must be trying to find a way to tell Dick from the other Dicks. Guilt clawed at his stomach; maybe he should just go down there and help even though he was upset with Dean. He was half way to the door when Cas felt a presence in the room. It felt like a ghost. However the only ghost to have balls enough to hang around the Winchesters would be…

"Hello Bobby. What can I do for you?"

"How did you know it was me?" Bobby asked making himself corporal in the room.

Castiel had a feeling that angel mojo wouldn't be the best answer to give. "I saw the flask. I knew what it was." There that was logical and not a lie.

Bobby's face clouded with anger as he took a step towards the angel. "Why didn't you just burn the damn thing, you idjit. It doesn't take a genius to know what's happening to me."

"I already took you from them once, I couldn't do it again." The answer was out of Cas's mouth before he even thought about it. Shockingly enough it was the absolute truth. He wouldn't take Bobby away from the boys again. The older hunter's death and really effected the boys. Bobby's face seemed to lose all pretense of being angry, instead a hollow pain shown through. "Dick shot me, not you." Bobby said calmly.

Cas shrugged, "I let loose the Leviathans. If I had just listened, you wouldn't be dead."

"Cry me a freaking river. I was a hunter you numbskull. It was a miracle I survived this long on the job." That made Cas pause for a moment. It was true. Bobby constantly put himself in danger by being a hunter. He would have died sooner or later, but for some reason Cas couldn't shake the feeling that it was his fault.

"That's not how Dean sees it."

Bobby smirked just a little. "That's because that boy is too stubborn and hard headed for his own good." A small ache started in Cas's chest. It was obvious that Bobby really missed the boys. "I am sorry, I didn't listen to you." Cas said even though saying sorry wouldn't fix anything.

Bobby just sighed. "Explain it to me. I will hear you out just tell me why all of this went down. Why did you go to such extremes to win the war?"

"I suppose it's the same reason you stayed behind as a ghost rather than moving on. Which by the way is an incredibly stupid idea, but it was to protect Sam and Dean wasn't it?" Cas said tiredly because in the end that's what everything came down too.

"They may be grown but they're still a couple of idjits." The elder hunter smiled ruefully. Cas smirked in return. "Aren't we all?" There was a slight pause. Cas could tell that Bobby was trying to figure out what to ask. "Why didn't you just come to us in the beginning?" It was a fair question, one that Sam and Dean probably wish to ask as well. One that Cas himself had wondered throughout his time with Crowley and in the asylum. "You, Dean and Sam have all given up so much just for this world in your short lifespan. I've spent millions of years forced to watch over earth but not interfere. I couldn't ask more of you, not when your lives had gotten a little less chaotic." Which was stupid in hindsight since the war was about the apocalypse. However at the time it had made since to him. Bobby gave him a critical look and nodded his head slowly.

"I understand about the Crowley thing. Hell we've all worked with the bastard. It's just you choice that demon over us, over Dean." The ache in Cas's chest grew a little more. The fact that Bobby was more upset about him betraying Dean instead of all the other sins he committed, was painful. It just proved how much better of a person Bobby Singer was compared to himself.

"Yes well at the time none of you seemed to really care about what was happening with heaven or me." Cas winced; it was far more painful to admit things out loud rather than just writing them down.

"No I don't suppose we did. We're all a bunch of idjits, but we should have been there for you as well. Anyone who knew you could have seen how strung out you were, but we ignored it because the problem was in heaven and not on earth." Cas shied away from Bobby. Neither Sam nor Dean had admitted to that, but hearing it from Bobby confirmed Castiel's assumptions. The ache in his chest turned into a sharp pain. This conversation was painful. "Heaven is still my home; I couldn't stand by and watch it become destroyed." Cas said appealing towards the man's sense of home. It was obvious to the angel that Bobby had cherished his house and broken cars.

Bobby sighed and rubbed the back of his nonexistent neck. "I guess we always forgot that the angels were your brothers and sisters."

Bobby was a father figure to Dean and he wasn't going to be around any longer. Cas needed to tell him, what he has been hiding deep down. For Bobby, he could say how he actually felt. The older hunter deserved that much. "The entire time I felt like I was slowly dying and no one seemed to care. I was fighting a war not for humanity or for free will, but because I didn't want to see Dean Winchester sacrifice anymore. I couldn't make any sense out of these feelings and I don't know when his happiness became a top priority, but without him around I was useless. I felt so lost and it hurt more than anything to know that he thought I had betrayed him. At the end I just didn't know what else to do. I knew I couldn't be saved but I was willing to risk everything so that he might be. I was certain that I was going to die and my last thoughts were I wish I could relive it all again, even the bad as long as it came with all the good." Castiel looked at Bobby with all the confusion and lost written across his face. Bobby looked at him with sympathy as if he understood exactly what Cas was going through. It just puzzled Castiel even more because he didn't even know what he was going through.

Bobby coughed and shuffled his feet. "Alright enough of this emotional bull crap. This is not why I came to see you."

Cas perked up. He was all for not talking about emotional stuff. It was highly uncomfortable and far to revealing for his liking. He now thought he understood Dean a little more and Sam a little less. Feelings were not something he liked to converse about with anyone, not even himself. "What can I do?"

"Don't leave them. They're a couple of idjits who never seem to think things through." Bobby's eyes bore into his own. Cas had a moment of understanding. "You're going to burn the flask." It wasn't a question because there was no 'if' involved. Bobby was going to do it.

The hunter looked down at his hands and clenched them into a fist. "I know what's happening to me, I don't want to become another weight on their shoulders."

Castiel understood becoming another burden on the boys was the last thing anyone who cared about them wanted. "They miss you." The angel said softly. It was the only that he could think of saying.

"They're my boys and I couldn't just leave them to fight Dick alone." Bobby said as his face softens. "You have to promise me that you'll be there for them. Dean damn well might not like to admit it, but they need you. I don't want that son of a bitch killing them too."

Castiel hesitated. He wanted to promise but was unsure that he could live up to that promise right now. Looking at the gruff hunter, Cas felt the pain in his chest spike and swallowed. "I promise." The angel said closing his hand into a fist as it started to shake. However it was worth it, for the look of relief that shown on Bobby's face. "I gotta go and talk to them, before I lose control again. I just had to make sure that someone was going to look after them. I couldn't leave them by themselves again."

Castiel nodded and held out his hand towards the ghost. "Goodbye Bobby it was a pleasure to have known you."

Bobby smiled and grasped the angel's hand. Cas had to refrain from shuddering at the icy numb feeling that crawled up his hand. Instead he smiled back at the hunter. "Goodbye Cas, take care of my boys." Bobby said then disappeared out of the room. He knew that Bobby had gone downstairs to say goodbye to Sam and Dean.

Castiel moved to the stairs and watched the last time the Winchesters and Bobby would be together. The pain in his chest seemed to double as he watched them say goodbye. Dean looked so torn and Sam just looked more lost. Bobby never took his eyes off them. The older man wanted Sam and Dean to be the last thing he saw. Cas became even more determined than he had been to protect them. Castiel had to do this for Bobby. Even if it meant facing the Leviathans, even if it meant his own death again, he wouldn't let those boys do this alone. Clenching his fists in front of him to keep from trembling, the angel made up his mind. He was going to fight along Sam and Dean one more time.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Ta-dah! I sincerely hoped you enjoyed that as much as I did. I love Crowley and Bobby so of course I had to bring them into the story. I like to think in my head that Bobby talked to Cas to get him to help the boys. I do hope that you enjoyed the conversation between Bobby and Cas. I didn't want it too emotional but I thought it would be important to Cas for Bobby to know everything. Also Crowley is just fun to write. Please let me know how you liked it. Reviews are love, people!


	12. Dick was pulsating

**Disclaimer: **I still own nothing Supernatural related.

**Warning: **This contains many spoilers and goes along with 7x23. I don't have a beta so there are mistakes. My bad.

**A/N: **Hello my loves. I missed you all. Anyway so here is Chapter 12 finally. I loved writing this chapter and hopefully when you read it you will understand why. I love the interaction between Sam, Dean and Cas in this chapter and I hope you will too. I can't know if you like it or not if you don't review. So please for the love of everything review this chapter. What happens in the next chapter highly depends on whether you liked this chapter or not. So please please please review! I love you all... enjoy!

* * *

><p>Cas was hiding in the upstairs room still and hating himself for it. He just couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't feel like himself anymore. The boys had burned Bobby's flask the two days ago and Dean was just now getting over the hangover. He and Sam had talked a lot, muffled noises that Cas couldn't quite make out. Not that Cas wanted to overhear this time. He thought the boys deserved some time to themselves to mourn their father figure. Hell Cas needed sometime to mourn Bobby. Bobby was well Bobby. He was gruff, sarcastic, smart, and so caring. Castiel had never met someone who cared quite as much as Bobby did for other people. The Winchester's were a close second though.<p>

In the time that he had been hiding in the room, Cas had come up with an epiphany. Guilt is an amazing emotion. It drives people to lengths they would never have dreamed of before. Bobby, Dean, Sam, and even he has done so many things because of guilt. Bobby became a hunter to atone for his wife. Dean does everything to try and make up for his father's absences and his mother's death. Sam got back into the business because of Jess's death and stayed because of Dean. Cas on the other hand, Cas let his guilt change a millennium years' worth of beliefs and betrayed his family for a human who at the time really didn't like him. Yes, guilt is a very powerful emotion and right now Cas was drowning in it.

Dean on the other hand seemed to have tried to drown himself in alcohol. The cabin reeked of it and a faint odor of vomit. The elder Winchester had spent hours drinking and afterwards hours throwing up. It was fairly disgusting just overhearing it. Cas had a small ounce of pity for Sam who was down there with Dean. Sam also drank, but not nearly as much. No one in the cabin talked much, just murmurs and sighs. It was obvious that both boys didn't really know how to deal with losing Bobby for the second time.

So after two days of intoxication, Dean was slowly becoming sober and focusing on the bigger problem. Dick was still out there and he was taking every precaution necessary. The only plus side was that Dick didn't know that Cas was still alive and Cas really, really wanted to kill Dick. He doubt it would absolve his sins but it would make him feel a lot better. Which just made him realize how "human" he had become over the past few years. Maybe being resurrected so many times had done something funny to his grace, not to mention his head. A slam from downstairs startled Cas out of his thoughts. Voices carried upstairs but too soft to tell what they were saying. However judging by their tone it was another argument. Sam was getting on to Dean for something. The sound of a chair scraping on the floor was next, meaning Dean just stood up to face his brother. More angered tones and the sound of the laptop closing. Sam must be pulling out the puppy eyes. In the silence that followed, Cas could tell that it was a battle of wills downstairs. Dean's pride vs. Sam's puppy's eyes, round 789,333. Another soft pleading yet angry tone before someone stomped off to the door and left the cabin. For the one fact that the cabin door didn't slam shut, Cas knew it was Sam that had left.

It had surprised him. He thought if anyone, Dean would be the one to walk out of the cabin. Did Dean's pride actually hold out over Sam's guilt trip? A heavy sigh from downstairs begged to differ. Dean never could really say no to Sam. However it did make Cas wonder what the argument was about. Knowing the Winchesters it could be anything from food to plans on killing Dick. This made Cas all the more curious. The sounds of footsteps echoed in the cabin. Dean was pacing. Another sigh and a clearing of the throat before silence again.

Suddenly Cas could hear Dean's voice, both downstairs and in his head. It was a very odd sensation that had Cas grabbing his head. "Oh Cas who art slightly insane. Come on Cas I… We really need to talk to you. So if you could get your feathery ass down here, that would be great." Dean was praying. Dean was praying to him. It really shouldn't make Cas so happy to hear that, but it was Dean's way of reaching out to him. This also meant that he was the topic of the argument that Sam and Dean just had. Any good feeling he just received ebbed away. Dean didn't want to call Cas. Sam was the one who thought it was a good idea. Dean just never could say no to his little brother.

Cas frowned at the thought of the prayer. He couldn't tell if Dean meant for praying to come off as serious or as a joking matter. Humor was never one of his strong points. Then again Dean's prayers were never quite conventional; in fact some of them have been downright blasphemous in the past. So it was probably safe to say that the hunter was being serious most of the time. Sighing Cas stared at the ceiling and contemplated the idea of not answering the prayer, but knowing Dean that would just piss him off even more and if there is one thing Cas has had enough of; it's Dean being mad at him. Plus he promised Bobby that he would take care of the boys and that would get substantially harder if Dean was mad at him. Human temperaments can be very trying at times.

Castiel uncloaked himself and shook out his wings. They were a little stiff from cloaking him this entire time. He could just walk downstairs however; if he flew it would take less time and would have the element of surprise on his side. He would never admit it out loud but it was funny startling Dean just a little. The elder Winchester was usually so stoic and hard to get a jump on, so just Dean jumping in shock was an accomplishment of sorts. Flying literally took less than a second and Cas was back downstairs in the living room standing right behind Dean. Time seemed to slow just a little as Cas looked at Dean. To anyone else besides him and Sam, Dean would look the same, but Castiel could see the defeated slump in his shoulders and the tiredness in his stance. Bobby's death was really taking a toll on the hunter, more so than Castiel originally thought.

He was so close to Dean, he could literally smell the human; leather, gun oil and sweat. Dean would probably find this creepy. Cas finds this a little more than odd as well, but the angel does take some comfort in the familiar smell. It reminded him of the Impala. Cas fought the urge to smile at the thought. It just reminded him of a better time, when there was at least smiles to go with the frowns. Cas took a step back; even he understood that smelling someone was highly against Dean's personal space rule.

"Dean" Cas said attempting to make his voice sound as bland as possible.

Dean jumped and whipped around facing the angel. The hunter's green eyes were wide and his stance was defensive. Cas fought again not to smile. He really did take too much enjoyment out of moments like this. "Dammit Cas we've talked about this. At least try to make a little noise." Dean said rubbing the back of his neck.

"My apologies." Castiel really wasn't sorry at all.

"I didn't think you were going to show man."

Castiel felt his stomach drop. A small part of Cas wanted to say that he always comes when he can. He would never abandon the Winchester when they needed him. Not even when he was fighting a war did he stop checking in on them. He wanted to ask why this was surprising to Dean. Did one mistake turn Cas into some sort of bad person? He wanted to just punch Dean in the gut to make Dean feel like he felt and walk away. His hand began to tremble slightly. However, Cas wouldn't do any of that. He couldn't risk the Winchesters safety just because he couldn't get a hold of his emotions. So instead Cas said monotone, "Who could ignore such a lovely prayer?"

Dean had a look of confusion on his face. "Did you just sass me?"

Cas put on his best innocent face with a little head tilt. "Of course not. I always speak to you with the utmost respect." The Winchesters were really a bad influence on him. Dean shook his head with a small smirk. "You've been spending way too much time with Sammy."

"Sam was not the one to teach me that." Cas left off the part saying that it was Dean who taught him sarcasm. It was Dean who taught him how to wear a mask of innocence. It was Dean who taught him how to lie to someone's face, because that's how you become president. Castiel left of the part where everything remotely human about him, he learned from Dean. Yes Sam had a small part in it too, but mostly it was Dean. Castiel treasured all of those things, despite his hate for emotions. Being partially human was significantly better than being a "Dick with wings" as Dean calls them.

Silence filled the cabin for a few seconds. Dean shuffled awkwardly, "How about we run a little errand."

"What kind of errand?"

Dean smirked and clamped Cas on the shoulder. "1214 Floyd St. Portland, Maine." Castiel had a moment of understanding. Dean needed Cas to take him somewhere and sadly enough, Cas was all too happy to oblige. He raised his slightly trembling hand and pressed two fingers to Dean's forehead. Flying with passengers was always slightly awkward. The tagalong seemed to think it only takes a second, but for Cas it always seems longer. That and it puts a slight strain on his wings that actually felt good. So Castiel flew with his human charge out of the cabin. He flew past the forest, mountains, and cities. It was all a blur and Dean was light in his arms. Cas landed on the street he was instructed and took away his hand. Green eyes shot open and looked around.

Cas took the opportunity to look around as well. They seemed to be in a small town by the harbor. Broken boats surrounded them and off to the left were something very familiar about the woods surrounding this place. The entire town actually felt familiar. Castiel looked back at Dean who was looking at something rather large covered in a blanket. The hunter had a small smile on his face. It was amazing what a smile could do, Dean looked years younger as if everything that he was worried about had vanished. It was a smile of contentment that Cas had seen on Dean's face only a handful of times. Cas shook his head; yeah he knew where they were.

"I remember this town."

"You do?" Dean glanced over at him in shock.

Cas nodded in return, "Uriel wanted to smite everyone here."

"Yeah he was a bag of dicks."

The angel smiled, Uriel was a dick. There were many times that Zachariah had told Uriel to "convince" Castiel of his loyalties to heaven. However, even though that had happened Cas still hadn't wanted to kill his brother. Then he found out Uriel was on Lucifer side and it had turned everything so wrong. Everything that Cas had once to comfort in had begun to fall away. This town though had a special mark in his memory, because he liked to believe that this was where Cas started to be less of an angel and more of himself. "This is where I truly began to doubt heaven's plans."

Dean chuckled a little and patted the angels shoulder. "Back to the scene of the crime."

Cas looked down at his hands and clenched them into fist. He could see how stained they were with blood even though they look clean. "I have changed quite a bit since then." The question was for the better or worse? Dean scoffed and shuffled awkwardly. "Yeah well we all have."

Cas made a noise in the back of his throat. Dean was always too hard upon himself. "I don't think so. You are still the same where it counts." The angel said shaking his head. Dean shook his head in return, "Yeah I'm not too sure about that." Castiel refrained from rolling his eyes. Dean could never see himself as others did. He never saw himself as the great man that everyone else with eyes could see. Of course he still had issues but Cas now realizes that having issues is part of being human. It's the perfectly adjusted people who are worrisome.

However, Castiel couldn't say those things to Dean. Dean would just blow him off. So, in order to make Dean understand anything, Cas went to his automatic default. He related it back to Sam. "You still care more for other people's safety than your own and Sam is still the most important aspect of your life. That sounds very much like the Dean Winchester I first met."

Surprisingly instead of looking somewhat happy at that comment, the hunter looked a little angry. "Yeah well it's all I've ever known." Realization hit Cas in the back of the head. Dean was trying to say something without actually saying it. Dean has only known to save people and to protect Sam, but what had Cas always known. Well it was simple, throughout his existence and even his rebellion the one thing that always remained the same was fighting. Castiel was a soldier. It was all he had ever known and was the one thing he relied on when he turned his back on heaven. Maybe Dean wasn't just angry about Castiel's past actions but was really mad about Cas's refusal to fight. Maybe this coward of an angel was just reminder to Dean of all the mistakes that everyone had made. It was obvious that Dean didn't like this version of Cas and hell it wasn't like Cas liked himself anymore either. Cas blamed it on being a burden and useless but honestly the only reason he was either of those things was because he refused to change it. He could fight. He wanted to fight. He had promised Bobby that he would fight to protect the boys and he had never felt more like himself since he woke up in that damn psych ward.

Cas faced the human in his charge. He needed to tell Dean that he was going to fight. That this person he was right now wasn't really him. He was still the angel that defied all of heaven to save two humans. He was still going to go into battle against insurmountable odds because it was the right thing to do. He was still Cas. "Dean…"

Dean cut him off. "Yes I know. I get it. You can't help."

Cas ignored the hunter. "If you attack Dick and fail, you and Sam die heroically correct?"

"I don't know… I guess." Dean looked at him in surprise and confusion.

Cas knew he had to approach this cautiously. Dean wouldn't understand if he just flipped his position and said that he was willing to fight again. The hunter wouldn't trust Castiel. To be fair Cas wouldn't have trusted himself either. However Dean would understand if Cas spun the story a certain way, a way that Dean had also used in the past. "At best I die trying to fix my own mistake, or don't die, just to be brought back again. I see now that it is a punishment resurrection it gets worse every time." Castiel paused for a moment, it was a good line. Dean would see the appeal of fixing one's own mistake and by adding the truth about the resurrections it made it seem more believable than telling Dean that the angel would always follow the hunter.

"I'm sorry; we're talking about God crap right?" Cas wanted to sigh, leave it to Dean to completely pass over the important part. Ok, Cas would just have to try a different route.

"I'm not good luck Dean."

There was a pause where Dean's face went through a collection of emotions. Anger was of course the first default, confusion followed, a look Cas could decipher was next, and the last one seemed to be slightly pleading. "Sorry I rather have you cursed or not and anyway nut up. We're all cursed. Do I seem like good luck to you?" Cas couldn't help the smile that forced its way onto his face. He really tried not to smile but there was a bright flicker of hope inside of him.

Dean looked a little more surprised, "What?"

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I do that enough as it is, but do I detect a note of forgiveness?" Cas wanted to punch himself for sounding so hopeful.

Dean rolled his eyes and smirked. It was the best look Cas had seen in what seemed like forever and the small hope he had tripled in size. "Yeah well we're all probably going to die tomorrow so…" No, Dean wasn't going to die. Cas was going to make sure of that. He had the opening he needed. "Well I go with you and I'll do my best." There it was finally out in the open.

Cas watched as Dean's whole face softened, "Thanks."

Cas smiled even more and the weight on his chest lightened. "So can I ask…? The plan?"

"According to Crowley, Dick knows we're coming so we're going to announce ourselves big!" Dean's smile grew even bigger as he walked over to the blanket and ripped it off. Castiel's heart sped up just a little. It was the Impala. Dean's baby, still in perfect condition just waiting for them. Cas didn't know when the car had made such an impact on him but, it was the Impala. Dean was running his hands over the car's exterior. There was light to the hunter's green eyes that wasn't there earlier. Silence fell between them as Dean looked over the Impala and Cas just watched from a distance. Moments passed by, it could have been hours but Cas wasn't keeping track of the time. He coughed a little, "I can mojo us back to the cabin…"

Dean's face had a look of betrayal on it and Cas attempted not to laugh. "Na-uh it's been way too long since I got to drive my baby. We're doing this old school style."

The angel shrugged and tilted his head just slightly at the Winchester. "You do realize my wings are older than your baby right?"

Dean narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "Just shut up and get in the car chuckles." The hunter opened the driver side door and slid in with a sigh. Castiel flew into the passenger side for old time sake. Dean looked over at him with a raised eyebrow and Cas just smirked in return. Things were finally looking up.

The drive back to Rufus's cabin was nice. Dean went over the speed limit, blasted classic rock and sang along loudly. It was so normal; Cas thought for a second that he was dreaming. It had taken six hours to get back to the cabin and Cas wouldn't have traded those hours for anything. They didn't speak to each other, but Dean and Cas didn't really like to talk about their emotions. Those hours spent in the car felt as though something had mended between them. As they pulled up to the cabin and killed the engine, Sam walked out with a huge smile on his face. Cas had a strange feeling that the taller human had known it would work out like this. Judging from the look on Dean's face the other hunter thought the same thing as well.

Pretty soon they were all in the cabin surrounding the table. Blueprints to Sucrocorp's building were on the table and the laptop was on with video feed from the building as well.

"So, any idea how this is going down?" Sam asked scratching his head.

Dean clamp a hand on his brother's shoulder. "Well now that feathers has decided to grace us with his presence I think we should figure out a new plan."

Cas rolled his eyes. "Let me guess the last one consisted of you sneaking into the building and trying to stab all the Dicks in there." It was a foolish plan, but something Castiel wouldn't put pass Dean. Dean shrugged, "Well yeah something like that."

The angel turned to the younger human with a look of disappointment in his eyes and voice. "Sam."

"Hey don't look at me it was Dean's idea." Sam was literally pointing at Dean with an innocent look on his face. Cas didn't buy it. "Sam." More disapproval. Sam sighed and looked at the table, "Yeah I know I shouldn't have agreed." Cas nodded. While Dean was more of the type to shoot first ask later, Sam should have known that there was no way that plan could have worked. Cas shot a glare at Dean. That plan was suicide. "Hey it was the only thing anyone could come up with." Dean said defensively.

"Anyway with Cas joining we have a better chance." Sam said with a small smile at Cas. The angel didn't believe he deserved such a smile but nodded as well.

Dean turned a glare back towards Castiel, "About that, why didn't you tell us you could see Dick?"

Cas avoided wincing. He knew this would come up, he was just foolishly hoping that Dean would forget. He didn't want Dean to get angry at him when they just had some closure. Castiel sighed he might as well go with the truth. "You seemed sure that you didn't need my input on your plans."

"Still dude come on that's a pretty big deal." Dean said crossing his arms. Sam on the other hand was watching them with a careful look on his face. Cas went on the defensive. He seriously doubted that Dean knew how hard it was to talk to him when the hunter decided to be stubborn. "I'm sorry next time I'll just tell you to shut up and to listen to me, because that has worked so well in the past."

There was a few moments of silence while Cas and Dean glared at each other. Suddenly Sam just busted out laughing. The tall human was holding his stomach and laughing openly. Castiel tilted his head in confusion. Dean shuffled awkwardly and mumbled, "Shut up Sammy."

Sam gasped a little while laughing, "I'm sorry but he has a point." Oh, of course the younger Winchester would understand. Sam had been dealing with Dean's temperament all his life. Dean seemed to refuse to look Cas in the eyes as Sam's laughter died down. "Anyway besides killing Dick we should also try to find Kevin." Sam said straightening up.

"Right how should we do this?" Dean asked looking at the laptop as if it held all the answers to his questions.

Cas shrugged and as nonchalantly as he could say, "Well I could take the bone and track down Dick, while you two find Kevin." There wasn't even a hesitation before Dean shook his head. "Uh-huh not happening." The angel wanted to sigh. Of course the person he was trying not to get killed would be the one fighting him about his own safety. "Why not?" Cas said crossing his arms.

"You think I'm going to let you go and face Dick by yourself?" Dean said glaring at Castiel. Cas glared back. It was a standoff, which wasn't fair since Cas had a past of bending to Dean's will, while Dean remained resolute against Cas. Why couldn't the human see that the angel was just trying to protect him?

Sam's voice cut through the tension. "He does have the best chance against Dick." Castiel shot the younger Winchester a look of appreciation. Dean on the other hand scoffed and gestured towards Cas, "Yeah except that he is just a few pennies short of a dollar."

Cas tilted his head and looked at Dean, "I don't understand that reference."

"He's talking about your panic attacks." Sam said sighing. Cas had a light bulb moment and frowned. His panic attacks weren't coming as strong and they didn't happen when Dean was being civil. Standing up straight, Cas put on his "I'm an almighty angel" face and strong stance. "Oh… I should remind you Dean Winchester that even with my episodes I am still far more powerful than you."

Something flashed through Dean's eyes and he took a step towards Cas. They were within a foot of each other. Dean's voice was determined as he said, "But you're not as strong as Dick." As if that made any difference, Castiel already knew this. It was why he didn't want Dean to go against the bastard. What did it matter that Cas wasn't stronger, he still had the better chance. The tension in the room was building once again. Apparently Cas and Dean couldn't be in the same room together for more than a few hours without arguing about something.

Sam snapped his fingers at them, breaking their staring contest. The younger Winchester shot a knowing look at Dean and said, "Ok, ok how about this; I will look for Kevin and you two will go after Dick. Cas can use the back up and Dean won't let you go alone." Castiel shook his head. He didn't want Dean anywhere near that Leviathan. Dean likewise shook his head, "I don't like it. Sam will be alone."

Cas smirked as Sam rolled his eyes, "I'm a big boy Dean, and I can handle myself. Besides you're the one jumping in front of the death train not me." Dean glared at Sam and Sam looked at Cas. Castiel couldn't quite explain it but the look on the younger Winchester's face made him want to pat the human's head and give into whatever Sam said. The angel was actually convinced that Sam's eyes were getting wider and bigger. Castiel looked away from Sam and rubbed the back of his neck. It didn't help; he could practically feel the look on him. Sighing Cas let his shoulders slump, "Fine if it will make Dean happy. I'm fine with this plan." It was no wonder why Dean couldn't say no to his younger brother. This was not how Cas wanted this to go but it was probably going to be the best he could get. Sam looked at his brother and Dean just rubbed his face and nodded. Well at least they had somewhat of a plan.

After a few more hours of planning every detail the Winchesters went to get some sleep. While the boys slept, Cas went on the search for substance for them. Dean kept complaining that he was hungry and that it wasn't fair that they weren't going to get a food last meal. The angel knew that Dean was joking to try to not admit that it might be a last meal, but it was still something he could do for the boys. So after a few more hours Castiel had the makings of a good breakfast with no Leviathan poison. He made pancakes, ham, bacon, fresh fruit for Sam, there was natural syrup, and coffee. It was a pain to find all of this stuff but, Sam and Dean deserved it. The look on the boys' faces as they woke up was worth the trouble. Dean ate like a mad man and Sam just savored everything. Breakfast was quiet as was getting everything put into the Impala.

Dean slid into the driver's seat as Sam slid into the passenger's seat. It was one of those things that they had perfected over years of doing it. Everyone knew that Cas could just fly them there, but not even he had brought it up. It was like tradition to ride up to battle in the Impala. So Cas slid into the backseat, probably for the last time. Dean turned the key and they were off speeding down the road. Metallica was blasting from the speakers. Dean sang and sometimes Sam would join in just to make Dean smile a little. Cas watched them enjoying the ride.

Hours passed and they were almost at the building when Dean pulled over and got out. Sam followed as did Cas to the trunk of the car. The hunters strapped on weapons and borax packages. Castiel glanced in the trunk and felt his heard seize. He reached in the trunk and at the far back pulled out something very familiar to him.

The angel clutched the beaten up trench coat to him with wide eyes. He looked at Dean in disbelief, "You kept it." Dean looked away and became very interested in his machete. Sam who was standing behind his brother just smiled a little. Dean's voice was a little gruff, "Yeah well what did you expect to happen?"

It was a fair question so Castiel answered honestly, "Something along the lines of an anger session and a lighter." He wouldn't put it passed Dean; he has seen what happens when the hunter gets really mad. Sam started laughing again. Dean glared at his brother. Sam backed away with his hands in the air chuckling. The younger Winchester climbed back into the Impala, leaving Cas and Dean outside. Dean rolled his eyes and shut the trunk. He was still not looking at Cas. "I miss the days when you didn't know what humor was."

"I'm sorry I can try to be more dickish in the future." The angel replied sincerely. Dean shot him a small smile with a quick glance. "If we live through this you mean?"

Castiel shook his head, "I have no doubts that you and Sam will live through this day." He said with a small smile. Dean looked at him curiously before slightly frowning. Cas didn't like the calculating look in the hunter's eyes. He did not need to let Dean know that he was planning on sacrificing himself for the hunter's safety. So he just shrugged, "We only have to kill the leader of viscous monsters from purgatory that can kill everything."

That brought a small laugh out of Dean. "Immeasurable odds, certain death, catastrophic plans… yeah Team Free Will is back together again." Dean said grabbing onto Cas's shoulder with a smile. Cas smiled back.

Dean's grip tightened, "So here we go guys…. No turning back."

"Like there ever was a choice." Sam yelled jokingly out of the car. Cas went towards the car but Dean's hand stopped him. He turned towards the hunter who was looking at Castiel's hands. "Are you going to wear it?" Dean asked softly. Cas looked down at the trench coat in his hands with a small longing feeling. "I feel as though I should, as if I wouldn't be complete without it." The angel answered bringing the coat closer to him.

"One more time for the final battle?"

Cas smiled at the thought. He nodded, "Yes one last time." It was fitting for him to wear the coat this last time. The angel put his arms through the sleeves and pulled the coat on. Straightening the coat he looked over at Dean with a smile on his face. The hunter had a complicated look on his face that caused Cas's smile to slip.

"Hey Cas?" Dean's voice came out softly.

Cas glanced at the car where Sam was playing on his phone and lowered his voice as well, "Yes Dean."

"Look if I don't… I mean it's just Sammy…"

Castiel sighed a little, "Dean I won't let you die here today."

"Look I'm just saying if it should happen."

"Sam would never forgive me if I let you die. So in order not to anger the giant you call a brother I believe my best course of action is to insure you live." The angel said giving the hunter a hard look. He didn't even want Dean to really contemplate dying.

Dean gave him a small smile, "Thanks." With that Team Free Will settled into the car and drove towards the battleground.

All together getting into the building full of Leviathans was rather easy. They drove up, tires screeching and busted through the gate. It drew out some of the Leviathans and Sam threw what the Winchesters called borax bombs. Ok so they were water balloons filled with liquid borax, still borax bombs just sounded better according to Dean. Sam pelted the monster with the balloons, Dean chopped off the monsters heads, and then Castiel flew them into the building. Sam went to upload a virus that Charlie had made; it would wipe out the entire system and find Kevin. Dean and Cas went to find the real fake Dick Roman.

Castiel never really had to be sneaky before, but as Dean had pointed out they don't have enough time to fight off a horde of Leviathans. So, Dean and Cas were attempting to be inconspicuous while searching for Dick and hiding from other Leviathans. He didn't think they were doing that well. They were coming up on another hallway when Cas felt it. That disgusting, slimy, horrible feeling whenever Leviathans were near; except this one was much stronger and if possible more gross feeling. Castiel knew this feeling. He remembered it consuming him from the inside and forcing his body in doing things he didn't want it to do. He remembered it using his mouth to speak, hitting Bobby and Dean. Oh yes, he remembered this particular feeling. Dick. Cas threw out his hand to stop Dean from moving and peered down the hall. There was no one there but Cas knew they were closing in on Dick. He turned to Dean who was staring at him.

A small staring contest began, where they spoke without words. Well at least he hoped they were talking without actually talking, because he was trying to tell Dean that they were getting closer. For all he knew Dean might think Cas was just staring at him. That would be awkward. Still Dean nodded and the angel let out a breath. Dean seemed to have gotten the message. They crept down the hallway to a door leading to the stairway. Following the stairway they found a Dick sitting on the stairs. Dean looked at Cas but the angel was shaking his head. This was not the Dick they needed. Dean shrugged and took out his machete. A quick swing and the monster lost its head. Heading lower Cas stopped outside another door. The slimy feeling intensified and he nodded at Dean. Dean tightened his grip on his machete and took a deep breath.

Castiel grabbed the hunter and flew into the room. The element of surprise was always a good thing to have. They landed in what looked to be a laboratory where Dick was standing with his back to them and another Leviathan was at the table. Dean made quick work of the other Leviathan and Cas watched as another head fell from its body.

Dick turned around with a smirk. "A little abrupt but ok…. Castiel how nice to see you again. Thanks for the ride into paradise." The angel just glared. He would be so much happier once they ganked this cocky son of a bitch. Dick continued looking at Dean, "Good on you pulling this together."

"Oh you don't think this will work do you? You trust that demon?" Dean said taking a step forward and putting up his machete.

"You sure I'm even me, Dean?" Dick said confidently, as if anyone else could be that big of a dick.

"No, but he is. Yeah you didn't think of that did you? Cas here can tell exactly which water dwelling jack ass you are. You see in dealing with Crowley he will always find a way to bone you." Dean said with a smirk pulling out the bone. Castiel was pretty sure Dean was slightly enjoying himself. Dick on the other hand, his hold countenance changed from cocky to angry. Cas saw the monster's hand twitch. "This meeting is over." Dick took a step forward but Castiel was already moving between him and Dean. He felt the hand grab him and the force of hitting the wall on the other side.

By the time he had straightened up, Dick was pulling the bone out of him and breaking it in half. "Did you really think you could trump me?" Cas moved silently behind the monster. He looked at Dean and nodded.

Dean just smirked, "Honestly no but you just turned your back on an angel." Castiel grabbed Dick's head and yanked it back. He saw Dean take the real bone soaked in three bloods and shove it through Dick's neck. Dick started to pulsate and turn redder. Cas and Dean took a step away. The head Leviathan kept pulsating weird energy and Cas started to get a bad feeling about this. The door to the lab opened and Sam ran in with Kevin in tow. Behind them in a darker corner was Crowley. The King of Hell looked at Cas smirked and waved. The angel felt his heart sink. He had a good idea about what was going to happen next. He looked at Dean in panic wanting to tell him to run but it was no use. Dean was in a corner.

Cas had a window of opportunity. He could fly somewhere else and protect himself, or he could fly over to Dean and attempt to protect the human against what was about to happen. Well it wasn't really a choice at all. Cas had Dean in his arms with his wings wrapped around him within a second. It was good timing because as soon as he did that, Dick exploded. It was an odd sensation. Castiel felt him and Dean being sucked into this void and for a moment everything went black.

When Cas opened his eyes he knew two things right away one that they were not on earth, in heaven or hell and two that only left one last place. The wooded area where Cas had landed was cold and dark. This place was strange and had no sense of light to it. Standing up Cas looked around it was silent for now. Dean was only a few feet away still unconscious. The angel wanted to scream. How was this fair? He goes to protect Dean and they end up here of all places. He didn't see Sam anywhere so there was some comfort, but Dean was not going to be happy. Castiel walked over to the hunter. They had to move, this place was too open and Dean was the only human here.

"Wake up Dean."

Castiel saw green eyes flutter open and almost sighed in relief, "Good we need to get out of here."

Dean jumped up and looked around confused. "Where are we?" The human's voice was loud and gruff. A snap of a branch caught Cas's attention and he looked around again.

"You don't know?" Cas asked softly.

"Last thing I knew we just ganked Dick."

The angel almost sighed again. Dean could be slow at times. "And where would he go in death."

"Wait are you tell me…"

"Every soul here is a monster. This is where the come to prey on each other for all eternity."

Dean looked dumbstruck for a moment. "We're in purgatory. How do we get out?" The human asked sounding a little scared. Growls irrupted from the forest and Cas knew they were about to be up to their necks in monsters soon. "I fear that it is more likely that we will be ripped into shreds." Maybe it wasn't the best time to go for honesty, but Dean had a right to know the situation. The monsters were getting closer. There were only a dozen or so for right now, but soon there would be others. Dean wasn't in the best mind frame to be fighting right now. Cas took flight. It would be easier if he got rid of the monsters right now before they got to Dean.

Taking out his angel blade, Castiel made quick work of the weredingos. They had been closer than he had originally thought. He could clearly make out Dean's voice saying, "Cas?" The hunter was scared. Honest to father scared. It was the first time Cas had heard that tone from Dean. He quickly made his way to Dean. They had to come up with a plan and fast. After all the nightmares were just beginning.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Ta-dah! Ok so the fight scene was not my favorite thing to write since the episode really didn't give me too much to go off of. However I hope it wasn't too bad. So how did you like Dean? I know I made him out to be an ass earlier in the story, but I love Dean and want to show how much Cas means to him. Also I love Sam in this Chapter. He is just happy to watch the awkwardness which is Dean and Cas. Anyway review people! I need input! Reviews=Love


End file.
